"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
all day.. staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall....
all night.. hearing voicings telling me that i should get some sleep cos tmlo might be good for something...
oh boy..feeling like im heading for a breakdown...
4/30/2003 10:55:00 PM
my cousin is at my place now.. he is so oblivious to my pains... i cant help but smile.... how good it would be if i could return to my age of innocence... i'll trade anything for it... i will..
4/30/2003 03:02:00 AM
im sorry im turning to you alot nowadays but i really dont have any1 else to turn to... i feel like a stranger in my own home... it's 6pm now and very soon everyone will come back and i will have to hover up in my room where i would feel less vulnerable.. its makes my insides sick when i think abt how pathetic i've become.. i hate my family... they have made me distrust even my friends... i have to put on this facade in school.. i cant carry on let this forever.. soon or later i'll crack.. i'll crack.. i tell you...
4/30/2003 03:00:00 AM
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
i've learnt something today.. if u detach yourself from something.. den it would not affect you so much.. the pain comes initially when u try to detach yourself.. remove the memories and disregard your feelings.. once u are past that stage..nothing else will matter...
4/29/2003 11:32:00 PM
my soul feels very empty.. i feel like a shell.. i duno what i was doing today.. i dont even know how long this thing will last...everyday after school i would jus come home straight away.. and every night i would try to sleep early so that i dont have to see him.. is tt how i want my life to be?.. im turning into an anti-social..i think i will keep away from people for a while.. try to be by myself for a while.. den maybe things will revert back to normal... every1 was asking me what was wrong today.. and i jus pretended everything was ok..i knew i couldnt bluff them.. but at least it got them to stop asking..
this time im really helpless.. both my parents are turning their backs on me.. i cant tell my bro bad things abt my dad.. its unfair to him and tt guy although i dont really care abt tt guy... den i cant tell any of my frens cos its a family thing.. i remember i once wrote in here tt i wouldnt forget or forgive some of the things tt that guy has done to my family.. not ever... but i think im old enough to accept the fact that not everything is as pretty a picture... but im stupid enough to believe everything will go back to normal.. maybe silently im hoping so.. but some things jus cannot be restored..not my respect not my feelings... my feelings for my family is dead.. it's sad but it's no longer what it used to be....
im feeling damn messed up right now.. i really duno what to type in here.. but i know one thing... if pple ever ask me who's my father.. i would reply.. "oh.. my father's dead." and in some ways that would not be a lie.. there are certain things tt cannot be forced the same way i cannot be forced to respect him and treat him as a father.. i know i am not saying this in a fit of anger.. it jus is... there are some things u always believe in.. that ur family being ur family will always be there for u.. u believe that they will not do harm to you or the rest of the family... and when tt belief is crushed.. everything else u base it upon also goes down the drain.. and den my mom doesnt even appreciate the way i stand up for her.. when she's goin thru shit with my dad she'll come and bitch abt it to me.. den when she's not.. she dumps me and go support him..i know all she wants is harmony w/i the family.. but dont u find it very hypocritical?? and i don't believe it.. u are making me live my life the way YOU want me to.. make friends with whoever you choose and act as u please?.. am i ur puppet??.. im beyong anger now.. i duno what im feeling.. i think its at the pt of hopelessness.. i think i'll jus while my life away... be what u want me to be.. do wad u want me to do.. will tt make u happy??.. go to school.. study... come back home.. sleep.. is that what u feel is best for me?..
Sunday, April 27, 2003
it has been a very long time but still i cannot get over it.. i dont know if i will ever.. what many people do not know is that i do have a serious side and there are things in my life i really do cherish.. lately due to the elects coming in... and every1 talking abt their new buddies.. it made me realise all over again how much i missed getting into council.. actually 'missed' is the wrong word.. i nv did... so maybe that's why i really enjoyed joining oteam... it somehow managed to relieve me from that pain... no matter how momentarily it was.. i guess im just being stubborn and i shd just get on with it.. i mean seriously..not being a sour grape or anything.. missing out on council is not such a big deal.. many times i try to console myself that if i had joined council i wont be such close frens to glenn ryan janny and weiying.. but u know.. that is the kind of thing u jus tell pple to console them but it never works... even till now when the councillors talk amongst themselves abt council stuff.. i just cant help but feel a little sore.. i try not to.. i really do.. but it doesnt work out that way.. the posters of DTJC are still lying on my shelf in my room.. sometimes when i look at it.. it makes me rethink of my campaigning times and it hurts all over again.. but i cant bear to throw it away.. there are so many things and pple around who are like constant reminders of last yr.. but i jus cant get rid of them.. i dont want to..they are my memories.. even though it has since turned bitter...
4/27/2003 05:36:00 AM
i realise that liking someone can really bring ur intelligence down to zero and make you act like a total fool..a love fool.. and on a different note.. to all the females out there who are trying in vain to lose weight.. try studying.. i figured it must be because the workdone by ur brain is intense enough to burn the fats on your body.. or so that was what happened to me today.. totally brain dead now...
4/27/2003 04:34:00 AM
Saturday, April 26, 2003
today was one of those days when i felt very drained.. it is strange that even though i didnt do anything strenuous outside of training.. i jus didnt feel rested.. do you realise that when u are out for a whole day.. even if it were just sitting around talking to your friends or watching a movie..you still feel very tired and drained?.. i think it's due to the fact that we have to constantly put on an 'act' in front of everyone else..even if it were subconsciously.. it really makes me appreciate my home.. cos for all the shoutings and scoldings i've endured in this house.. it is still one of the few places i can truly be myself.... =)
4/26/2003 07:20:00 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
the saddest thing that can happen is to fall in love with an imaginary person, some1 who exist only in your mind. reality almost always fall short of fiction. maybe that's why people always ask who ur dream girl is, cos only in your dreams can u find some1 as magnificant as she is. if i was able to choose, i would rather close my eyes and live in my imagination, cos only then will i be able to be with her...
4/23/2003 05:11:00 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
a small part within me wants to believe...
"...whenever i feel lonely i'll try to find the reason why im feeling lonely ... and it always comes back to the same old reason that i have not found my soulmate.. i feel like im a piece of jigsaw that's missing just one tiny piece... but that's not an insignificant tiny piece.. that's a piece that'll make me whole.. like i believe that some entity was split into 2 before i was born and one part of it became me..and that i have to find the other part tha makes me into that one enitiy again...like how the person is still somewhere out there... and I truely believe that somethings that are worth living for is worth dying for also... and finding my soulmate is one of those things....I tend to think of it as rather an agreement that the 2 of them make before they split up... it's like a test, or game rather... that they will spend time looking for each other, maybe 5 yrs 10 yrs 20 yrs... or even a lifetime... but by the time the search is over, your process of searching and success in finding that person will make everything else seem so insignificant... it's cos there are downs that there are highs... if it's always high, then there's no high anymore...furthermore, when you finally find that person, everything will be just right... and that you can finally slow down and really look at the world in a totally different way... and forever will seem so long that it doesn't matter anymore, and that you can just spend forever one second at a time..."
"... when you feel that the world has abondoned you, like you are a speck of salt on a piece of black cloth, like a single star in the pitch black sky"
today.. sometime during maths tutorial.. i suddenly had this overwhelming conviction that man is borned lonely.. it is in our most primitive instinct to live within our shell we call a body..stretching a hand out to others is just a fictatious gesture we come to learn but not adopt...life is just that sorrowful.. lonely and joyless.. at least the life i've come to learn about is... or let some1 prove me wrong...
4/22/2003 06:45:00 AM
Monday, April 21, 2003
i hereby declare that the game is over...
and the ending.. a very sad one...
4/21/2003 05:19:00 AM
Sunday, April 20, 2003 I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
Saturday, April 19, 2003
i've been doing my math for the past god knows how long.. and every so often i find myself stuck..normally it would have been ok.. i mean.. common test jus ended.. i didnt do too badly.. and there's a long way to go to the As.. but somehow now it feels as if my life needs some radical changes.. and pls dont ask me what kinda changes cos if i knew i would have changed it... all the small things tt go wrong seem to succeed in messing up my brain..
psst.. the world.. they are conspiring against me.. i know they are....all of them...
-echoes in my head-
4/19/2003 06:17:00 AM
Thursday, April 17, 2003
i have a hateful heart and i hate it..i duno why small things can make my blood flow with rage..
some time a while ago i lost my innocence..along with it i lost my believe in ideals..
now all i have is a cynical mind with an equally black heart...
i think this is fast becoming the dark era in my bible..
4/17/2003 09:47:00 PM
in one of the few rare moments when i get to blog in peace w/o anyone msging me over the icq or msn.. i find myself pondering about whether i really believe in everything that i type in here... sometimes im inclined to doubt the beliefs i have of myself and my life... i think im getting cynical which is a marked sign of the degeneration of my soul... there is no more beauty in my life.. only practicalities.... i wonder if that is wrong.. but nothing seems to be showing me otherwise... someone told me that being ignorant and thinking life is as pretty as many pple want it to seem is a good thing.. i cant bring myself to believe in that.. how do others do it?.. i think im jus a tainted soul...
4/17/2003 06:43:00 PM
i think im suffering from time lapse syndrome..i close my eyes.. and when i open them again a millenium years seemed to have past..i hate this feeling of being out of control.. but i really have no hand in time..it comes..... it goes... there are so many things i could have done with all those time i let pass me..which is a pity.. haiz..
i realised the word 'fuck' is suddenly becoming a very common vocab out from my mouth... it kinda feels as if im letting a bit of steam escape from the heated internals of myself everytime i say it.. its frustrations i guess.. it must be.. i don't think im very vulgar.. but i think im getting very touchy nowadays.. yday when arsenal was leading 2-1 against man u.. i started slamming doors and cursing in my parents' room at 4am.. haha.. it really got them wide awake..hahas.. and then there were the numerous times i was mentally hurling insults at weiying and pple in class just cos what they were doing was irritating me.. my fuse is short... and i dont know why.. i really dont..
oh my god.. my blog entries are suddenly getting v unorganised.. i think it's reflecting my thoughts now.. im really messed up up there... i duno why im doing what im doing.. i duno if they are wad i want or what i shd do... i duno why the heck im even bothering to write all these things down when i dont know why these things are happening to me.. come to think of it.. i dun seem to know much... damnit.. i feel like johnny english...i know no fear.. i know no danger... sigh...
4/17/2003 05:35:00 AM
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
everywhere i look.. everyone i see.. is a face of pure stress or depression.. are results that important?.. how can a mere common test grade cause a single person to disintegrate into something he never was... i do not have the courage to forego the paper race but at least i know i won't be distorted by my grades.. not in the way weiying was.. i dont understand how something as unimportant as common test grades can reveal what a person really is.. viewing it in perspective.. it is nothing more den a paper with a grade written on it.. will it affect anything?.. will it take anything away from you if u didnt get an A for a subject?.. i was digusted with the way weiying reacted.... wrong.. that's an understatement.. im appalled.. i can see where she's coming from.. where all her pented up frustrations is suddenly let loose.. but damnit so is everyone else... in some ways.. i admire the way huayu and jennifer and glenn are able to take things in their stride... it is obvious they are totally upset over their results but at least they have proven something far greater.. far more important den a stupid test can... mabbe im in no position to say all this.. cos im not the one with bad grades.. and if i were.. maybe i would have reacted like weiying... though i seriously doubt...
4/15/2003 07:03:00 AM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
check me if im wrong.. but i think im sinking too far into this game i'm playing.. previous times there was always a line drawn..a boundary i don't cross.. but this time wo3 zhen1 de4 qing2 bu4 zhi4 jin4...i'm letting it overwhelm me.. not in the same way as before.. which makes me all the more worried.. it is a game im afraid to lose.. in fact.. its fast becoming more den a game now.. i duno.. i used to be able to take it in my stride.. but now i carn.. my opponent is too strong..
i cant play this game anymore.. i cant play this game...
Saturday, April 12, 2003
fatigue is just the perception our weak mind has over our body and most of the time.. it is the mind which gives in before the body.. sometimes i let my body soak in the pleasures of pain.. but as the pain pushes pass my tolerance threshold my mind jus cracks...i wonder how much my body can withstand pain.. it's an ugly word.. pain.. most people grimace at it.. but i approach it with curiousity and caution.. no im not some sado-meso freak.. but sometimes physical pain helps relieve emotional tortures.. or at least they distract u from them... i went training today and guess who was the first person i met?.. haha.. but that's not the pt.. during training my heart was pumping like mad.. my head felt like it was spliting and my limbs jus did not listen to me.. it was so bad i couldnt even get my eye muscles wadeva u call them to contract or relax for my eyes to focus on anything in front of me... it felt like hell yet so much like a celestial haven all at once..
i guess pain and only pain is strong enough to distract you from the other pains in your life..
4/12/2003 08:39:00 AM
Friday, April 11, 2003
there are days where it seems i have nothing to write in my blog.. if i were to pen down my thoughts.. they would jus be a replica of my past entries.. my life seems as if it is going in circles.. i feel like alice in wonderland most of the time.. esp these few days.. things seem to occur at regular intervals.. it is almost getting predictable.. i can somehow see the pattern in it all.. but it doesnt seem to be moving in the right direction.. im jus drifting around.. mabbe it's the common test atmosphere..
4/11/2003 09:38:00 AM
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
it is cruel how things happen in life jus to tempt u on.. but u know u will never get it in the end.. but foolishly u let your weak self be toyed time and time again.. always holding on to the hope deep within your heart that maybe this time its for real...
4/08/2003 07:08:00 AM
Monday, April 07, 2003
there are no such things as miracles in this world....
Sunday, April 06, 2003
i was reading a blog by a writer called jared and in his words...he says "a meaningful life lies in a timelessly dynamic relationship with Him." where Him is god. i find that statement a tad bit ambiguous.. firstly.. does god exist? sadly i'm not one who believes entirely in the existence of some1 up there.. and secondly.. even if there is a "Him".. how would u know if u are in a timelessly dynamic relationship with him? just by believing in him? and does that give u meaning in life? i think it all boils down to what exactly one defines meaningfulness as...
at a risk of sounding cliche.. staring at the sky and the vast nothingness above.. it never fails to remind you of the insignificance ur being on this earth is.. measured along side with the long history through which the earth has existed.. a world with you is as good as a world without.. if a meaningful life is to make a difference to the things and people around.. it is impossible.. even all the greats in the world would not have a meaningful life.. mother teresa is a saint but she has no meaning in my life save for the fact that we share smiliar names.. and soon as the wheel of time turns.. her actions would hold no meaning to anyone but to put it crudely...a reminder that there once was a kind woman who tried to save indians..
while many pple go into frequent depression over their search for a meaningful life.. they do not know that what in fact points towards a well-lived life is a mere three letter word.. A-I-M... i believe each and every1 of us is put into this earth.. be it by god for those who believe in that.. or by the cooperation of ur dad and mom for those who are more scientific.. not to accomplish big abstract ideas.. we are just here to do as we please.. it is our aims we should be concerned with.. if a life is spent moving towards an aim.. den it is a life well spent.. but if u drift through time in ur endless search of something which in fact is nothing.. den u are jus wasting precious time.. afterall in the cycle of life and death.. every1 is just waiting for their chance at life...its a long queue so make the most of it...
Saturday, April 05, 2003
i was wondering..why is the mind and the heart two different entities in a single body? why does the mind not think what the heart feels? it's like having two hands to guide you.. when in fact they are merely tearing you apart.. people say the mind is always clouded and the heart leads the right path.. for it is the heart that tells you what you really want.. the mind merely guides you to where you are safe from the people around u.. follow your mind and u will walk the easy path.. follow your heart and u will be fair to yourself... many times.. you think you want something cos the mind tells u so but what u really are in fact doing is letting others' expectations of yourself.. people's view on you.. take control of your actions... i had a chat with daniel yday.. i think he was feeling a bit upset when he called.. i could tell he was a little confused.. unsure whether he is doing the right thing living his jc life the way he is doing.. he is letting too many things get in his way to a point where it seems he no longer live for himself.. it is sad that he feels it necessary to live up to the image he wants others to have of him..
almost always the mind is wrong.. it thinks too much.. of the consequences.. of the future.. of other people's thinking.. it's like a river flowing around the contours of a mountain.. choosing the easy path..and most of the time blindly.. not knowing where the end is..
but sadly.. in this time and age.. the power of the mind is getting strong.. the heart is weaken by the materialistic rat race every1 is in...it takes courage to break free from the race.. and even more to follow your heart...
some1 told me this b4..
"even if you win the race.. u are merely a rat..."
4/05/2003 06:37:00 AM
Friday, April 04, 2003
Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of it's own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
i saw this poem in weiqing's blog and it acted as a reminder that for all the frens you have in this world... it is ultimately you and you alone who will have to go on to face ur own life... while we take comfort in the fact that there may be people who are genuinely concern abt our plight... the path ahead is still up to me alone to walk...
4/04/2003 06:01:00 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2003
im still waiting for the miracle to happen....
4/03/2003 09:28:00 PM
why does everyone paint such a noble picture of love? does only love which withstand the test of time and the exclusiveness of one be termed as true love?
i feel it's entirely possible to love two different people at a time jus as much as it is possible to love different people at different times and moments in your life.. i feel that love is jus the feeling u have for a person at the one moment in time.. if the feeling is true and genuine with no hidden agenda... den it suffices as true love.. all the tv dramas which shows one character's undying love for the other... is bullshit.. ok maybeeee it MAY be possible.. but not necessarily so all the time rite?.. let us not fool ourselves into thinking that everything in this world is so beautiful...
jus to clarify.. im not writing this entry to justify myself...i am not in love with two people... im not even sure i really like any1... hah!...
4/03/2003 06:55:00 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
wah.. i feeling damn sleepy now.. i think i shd go and snooze a bit later on if not i'll jus die.. i was on the fone with huayu yday nite till 2am.. until my mom had to chase me to sleep.. it was really great talking to her.. i dont really understand how we could have talked so long.. but it really made me feel that i actually do not know many people as well as i would have liked to.. it is not as if they are deliberately trying to hide themselvex from others.. it is jus that their day-to-day behavior does not entirely reflect who they really are as a whole person.. either that or the side that i see is not always the entire picture of the person.. but either way.. it seems it is only thru communication that we can get to know people better.. human relationships are really very complicated.. wad complex numbers.. linear spaces.. literature..baahh.. it's nothing compared to the complicity of human relations.. the impossibly entangled mess... why isnt there a human relation topic in school?.. but den again.. if there were.. who would be the teacher?.. im not really sure.. but i dont feel adults are any clearer den we are abt this human to human relation... hah! for all the smartness and intelligence the human race has boast abt for centuries.. is this all we have to show for it?.....
4/01/2003 10:31:00 PM
