"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
hah! i've got another MC for tomorrow.. i wonder how long i can keep away from school....
5/27/2003 06:44:00 AM
Monday, May 26, 2003
arrx.. im not goin to school again.. thats the umpteenth time it has happened this week.. duno why im jus feeling a great deal of inertia right now... i just aint moving and doing the stuff i shd..... i guess....
5/26/2003 07:40:00 AM
Friday, May 23, 2003
my studies seem to have gone off track... i keep telling myself its ok cos i didnt really put in the effort but somehow it doesnt seem to have console me... guess i have to start studying and ignoring wadeva's distracting me... e little prince was so inspiring but i guess us humans are jus too deeply immersed in this artificial world of "matters of importance".. it's jus hard to come out of it...
anw.. for now its studies first... i think that's being quite shallow but after all i dont wana fail my A levelx and end up marrying huaya right?.. =)
5/23/2003 06:26:00 AM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
the unthinkable happened.. oh my god wad's the world coming to?? jiun haur actually is interested in some girl?!?!.. its unbelievable!!..its..it's.. INSANE!!.. i was on the fone with him yday till abt 2 in the morning.. it was one of those lengthy talks we have once in a while which is why we are still such close frens.. at first it was abt his bball season and how he was feeling crappy abt how it ended... it made me feel guilty that i was neglecting squash so much.. although i dont feel a bit sorry abt my season.. its over and im actually quite glad it is.. 'cos i cant stand being around harry much longer... i think my tolerance threshold is pretty low.. things get on my nerve quite easily....
and den the conversation drifted to him and the girl... he said things which i would have NEVER in hell expected from him... i guess people do change.. even e most ardent ones... although i know he would not like to think that he has changed.. but the truth is.. he has... not that there's anything wrong with that.. i don't think im quite wad i was when i was in sec1 or 2... but it's only normal.. i guess tt's why im always left frustrated and torn apart by my obessession for eternally and forever-ness....
anw.. hope things turn out fine for him w/ e girl... and as for me...hmmmmx...
5/22/2003 04:31:00 AM
Sunday, May 18, 2003
when you have more memories of your dreams than of your real life.. you know things ain't right.....i seem to be doing more in my dreams den when im awake.. and it doesnt help that i am sleeping more den half the day away... tomlo's my mathx test and physic is the day after and what have i done?.. close to nothing!!.. hahaha...but u know.. when u are in a good mood it doesnt matter 'cos even though i aint prepared for my tests.. i am prepared to fail them!..hahaha....
5/18/2003 07:38:00 AM
Saturday, May 17, 2003
harry is a prick.. he's a fucking shortass bastard whose ego is bigger den his brains.. and tt.. is not venting my anger but a factual statement.. i dont understand why every1 else is letting him manipulate them?... it's quite irritating how he tries to play his silly mind games.. u know wad.. i dont believe anything u say.. today he lost the only match against TJC but i didnt diao him abt it.. dont wana stoop so low to his level.. nahx.. its not worth it...
5/17/2003 05:03:00 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
my feet is aching and my butt is strained.. such is the limits of mere mortals like myself that a little walk from suntec to orchard via the mrt has caused great discomfort to my limbs.. i confess.. i am no great man meant for no great feat... i dont hope to achieve much in my life time or wish upon others to do likewise... i am jus here to walk my way through life.. however unnoticable it is.. i have long given up on being some1 special.. now i try to be special by not being special if tt makes sense to u...
5/14/2003 08:08:00 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
i stayed away from school today.. partly to catch up on my work and partly to prove a point.. to prove that i'm as apathetic as u are.. its quite childish.. i know that.. feeling very much like a little kid right now.. recently i keep having this feeling of anticipation.. i keep trying to look forward for something which i myself am not clear what it is.. it's stupid and im messing up my studies cos of it.. den yday i tried to 'live the moment'... wadeva that means...but most of the time i find myself thinking of what is to come... and never what is already here... like..er.. now im worrying abt my napfa test on friday.. i think this kinda anxious is quite natural... but it's unfair... why is it tt when im suppose to be happy now..im worrying abt the future... or brooding abt the past.. and when im going thru a bad patch.. i don't think of the happier things?..
5/13/2003 03:22:00 AM
Saturday, May 10, 2003
today was absolutely brilliant.. i lost my squash match against NJ.. im very tired now... it's 1140pm and i still haven bathed..but it was brilliant.. becos of ivan...
i went out with him lawrence justina and my bro today.. it so was fun i couldnt remember the last time i had tt kinda fun..probably it was so long ago it's sad... it was different i guess.. from my class cliche.. my class cliche is so pragmatic.. so practical... it is not that i dont enjoy myself with them..it's jus.. sometimes u need some senseless things in your life... with my classmates.. if we dont do anything "productive" den pple will start leaving.. there cannot be bumming arounds.. it's either mahjong..movie or something concrete... otherwise we would all be wasting our time and everyone should jus go home.. it makes it feel very mechanical.. we're do the same things.. talking abt the same things all the time... im bored of that.. im BORED... but today.. after pooling.. we went outside the rolex building at orchard and jus bummed around.. if that had been my class cliche.. every1 else would jus be complaining... why cant they find something fun or meaning in little things like that?.. i wonder whether i fit into tt cliche... mabbe it's only cos im in tt class...and i jus dumped myself into a cliche...
i wish everyday could be like today.. where senseless things take centre-stage and other things take a back seat... it's senseless.. it's crazy... it reminds me of my og times... and i just love it...
5/10/2003 08:53:00 AM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
how i wish it was true.. but i know u are only using me to get away from him... but even though u are bluffing.. i still stupidly feel happy... happy over nothing... i'm a klutz i tell you..its pathetic but i feel very happy abt how things are b/w us now.. even though it may actually be nothing... i see ryan with olivier and i start thanking my lucky stars.. i really think that things would have been different if they were in the same class..or at least the same CCA.. den i think they would be like how we are now..or better.. yes..it would be better for them...cos ryan has guts.. ryan has guts and i dont.. u know.. im so sure nothings going to happen cos there is no way in hell im goin to do anything abt it..and i know you wont too... so there..... haha.. stale mate.. done deal... gone case.. wadeva... haha...
5/07/2003 03:46:00 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
i feel there is this pathetic soul in every1 who wants to seek shelter and wallow in self-pity... it is not able to face reality.. but merely turn and run... it is sad but sometimes staying in that self-pitying state is quite comfortable.. to be convinced entirely that the world is at fault and thus only the world should change.. as always i feel everything comes and goes in perspective..things i see in my eyes will always differ from those from ur eyes..nowadays.. i try to think of reasons to be happy more den reasons to feel down.. i still catch myself occasionally trying to act like a pityful wimp trying to gain attention and pity... its sickening.. but life goes on... it has to.. or i could jus commit suicide...
Monday, May 05, 2003
it almost feels as if i have just been reborned.. my comp has just been re-vamped and everything inside has been cleared.. this comp seems to be my parallel world..like still water reflecting every second in my life...it feels funny how my winamp only has 20 over songs and dling more.. but somehow this brand new start in my comp's 'life' is rather enjoyable.. if only our lives can be like that.. if only we can restart whenever we like.. i know this sounds very childish.. but sometimes i really wish i could "save" at some moments in my life and "load" them back whenever i wish..u know..somewad like a computer game... then i think i'll jus keep going back to the past... becos life 'now' is always unbearable...
so many times i allow myself a moment to fantasize about such what ifs.. i let myself be submersed in this unreal world where im not tied down by logic and fact... it is a temporary relieve from the cold hard truth... i know i shouldn't live in my imagination... but what if.. what if? the existance of fictional storybks and tv shows jus goes to show how so many pple feel our lives are inadequate.. and in tt period of time they allow themselves to be led thru this amazing world of fiction.. they can experience life which they hope or aim foolishly for....
5/05/2003 07:06:00 AM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
i've decided... haha.. how many times have i said those two words but this time i really have decided.. im going to try to be happy! =) this gloom has lasted too long.. i have almost forgotten how to smile.. i think back on the days when i was very small.. the days when i was in primary school.. the times in RI with my sec sch frens.. and the days during orientation.. i think of my class now and my brother.. i think of my mom.. and i know my life has been worth its while..
people say.. on the day you die.. if more people cry for you then laugh... den ur life is blessed...i guess tears are gifts from heaven... when people cry for you.. each drop of tear shows how important you are to them.. and if you cry urself.. the tears will soothe ur emotions...
5/03/2003 06:45:00 AM
Friday, May 02, 2003
look for the little things in life to brighten up your day.. choose what u want to see and your view will be brighter... these words i've heard a million times and each time some1 tells me that.. i totally believe they said it in all honesty.. but in all honesty myself.. i cant bring myself to believe it.. and it's only getting harder.. strange how when i was sinking and dying.. it was janny who was there to pull me out and lend me a hand.. i expected it to be you.. i really hoped it was.. but u werent even around.. but i guess it isnt your fault. u dont know a thing... but if only it were you...but in any case... im really thankful tt people around me have helped me in more ways then they even know... consciously or subconsciously...
thank you janny... thank you glenn.. thank you ryan... thank you weiying... thank you mummy... and thank you 5/02/2003 09:31:00 PM
i guess.. when u are on the rebound.. u are vulnerable to the people around u.. i duno.. when im most in need of help.. where are u?.. somewhere along the way.. i forgot abt you... does it mean u mean very little to me??.. i really hope not.. but where are u??...
5/02/2003 08:21:00 AM
my life's a joke.. my family is disintegrating.. at least my tie with my father.. i'm having problems keeping my friends.. there was the council camp today.. and i just failed my napfa 2.4... in retrospect.. failing my napfa was just so laughable..old wounds are reopening.. new ones are being inflicted...im a joke..
5/02/2003 07:44:00 AM
