"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Monday, July 28, 2003
in many ways i find myself wishing i could do everything all over again... i wish we were closer.. i wish i had listened.. i wish we had studied together that night.. i wish i hadnt said no.. why was it that you could tell me what a fool i was.. but u couldnt say the same to yrself?.. do you think abt every1 u have left behind? somehow i have this feeling that i have known you all my life but only just... how is it that i have seen you since my primary school days.. u came into my life so unknowingly and left so quickly?.. i have tried not to blame myself as most pple have told me not to..
today i didnt go to school.. i didnt feel up to talking to every1... i could see them questioning me..asking me how i feel.. asking abt yuting.. how is she.. is she ok?.. how am i...?.. but all these qns are just so meaningless.. i jus wanted to avoid it for another day... i went to the temple because i wanted to see you one more tell.. i wanted to tell you things i couldnt... and then today... i saw the physics notes u left at my house that day... it was so colorful..so much like you in a way.. i remember your aim... didnt i tell you to choose trinity? didnt you promise me u would?.. werent those your exact words.. you lied to me.. i guess that aim was just not right....if not it wouldnt turn out this way...
but believe me now when i say i will take care of yuting... pls give us strength and guide us from above.. and maybe in our next lives... we can cont where we were not able to this time around...
Saturday, July 26, 2003
if i were ever given a wish.. it would not be to revive her.. it would not be to take away the grief the pain and everything that i am feeling right now.. but if god u gave me one wish.. it would be that she is no longer going through the pain she once experienced.. in many selfish ways.. i find myself wishing she wasn't gone.. but today as i look around and see every1 crying.. i start to wonder if they were sad more for themselves or for Justina...and i as well... many times i catch myself feeling less sad and a surge of guilt would flow into me... it seems as if i am feeling sad to justify losing her...
i will be fine.. as will most of us... maybe it will take time... but we will be ok.. but something will be lost... or rather.. something special has moved to a different place...
all my life... in the many entries before.. i was always talking abt eternity.. foreverness.. and now i have found it.. or rather.. it has found me..
"My future daughter will be named Justina" - Yuting
"What if it's a son?" - Me
"Den he will be Justin" - Her
so she lives on.... in our hearts... where only special people will be...
7/26/2003 08:09:00 AM
Thursday, July 24, 2003
oh my.. how long has it been.. what.. 2 mths?.. my stupid com crashed.. but in a way it's for e better.. it takes away my biggest life distracter for which im glad.. hmm.. its strange how i haven blogged for so long.. and when i try to recollect on e past 2 mths.. my mind's a blank.. there's really nothing shouting out at me to take notice of... really.. it almost feels as if the past 2 mths had never existed.. ok.. i screwed my common test.. got caught by the damn vp for playin bridge in sch.. started on my revision with lawrence.. but really.. are these things really worth mentioning?.. ive come to realised how trivial my life is... god its crazy why i even bother abt it.. my life that is.. its worthless... haha.. but worthless as i am.. i am still not ready to die..haha.. no no..not yet..
ok! now that im back... its time to get this blog moving again!..heheex.. wheeE!..
P.S. i didnt go to school today... i guess some things jus dont change....
