Wednesday, August 20, 2003
memories are really painful things.. but as much as they are.. without them.. things ain't half what they're worth.. exam periods always bring abt this contradictory feeling in me.. while i pray the exams be over.. i know at the end of it all.. so too will my life in rjc.. a life with my classmates.. my sec sch frens.. if i could.. i really would want to dump all my friends into a bag and carry them everywhere i go and be contented with never making a new friend again.. i really won't mind... really... i have enough friends to last a life time... but all i know i would be left with...after e mths to come... would be memories.. and even those.. would slowly fade away.. i keep telling myself.. how nice it would be to have a 3-year jc life.. but den i realise it would only allow me more time to create more memories which i would eventually have to face when everything is gone...
sooner or later we have to say goodbye... we will promise each other we will stay in contact and that we will remain friends forever... we will even mean it from our hearts.. but sooner or later.. we will forget.. we will be strangers again.. and den it may seem.. that everything we ever did together.. everything we shared.. the memories.. the pains... the fun times.. everything would seem like a foreign dream... slowly... but surely...
8/20/2003 07:59:00 AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
it feels weird how while im struggling to figure out my own emotions... some1 just comes along and rips the words out of my heart... good one jiun haur.. good one... all along the physics pacifying.. maths subduing diva.. now add to that list.. an emotions guru... haha...
so with the newly-found wisdom... i proclaim that my fear for commitment is but a myth... what i truly fear is loving another... but as we agreed.. we are good guys!.. and good guys dont break the hearts of others (as if we can)... and so i shall stay away from the dark side....
8/12/2003 04:40:00 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003
isnt it silly how the moment those words come spilling out of my mouth.. the very words i have been guarding for hell so long.. the moment they are out of my mouth.. they mean close to nothing to me.. not anymore.. i guess it is over... i am done with my childishness.. where once i thought there was a place in my heart for you... now i can only say... good bye... not heartless.. not without a tinge of sadness... but nonetheless.. good bye...
8/11/2003 04:59:00 AM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
more than ever.. i find myself wanting some1 to guide me..
i think i am losing faith in myself and my actions...
8/05/2003 08:10:00 AM
Saturday, August 02, 2003
don't ask me why i am even thinking abt it 'cos i dont have the answers... it has come to the pt where i want more but fear losing everything.. i think she knows but i may be wrong... what i'm feeling now is an alloy of emotions.. sad.. anxious.. hope.. fear.. all rolled into one.. i let out none of this to e people around me.. esp to her.. they have their problems.. she has hers.. and my thoughts should only be for my mind and no one else's... i'm torn... sometimes i wish that there's some1 to guide me.. and that surprises me.. why should i be a follower when i can lead my own life.. and then i realise.. my life is not entirely mine.. as with my emotions.... no?.. den why is it that others can control how i feel?... it's not fair.. go away... STAY away.. quit messing with me.. seriously... jh left today... my lone bearer of tt secret..haha.. leaving me with no1 to talk to.. it sucks actually...
Friday, August 01, 2003
today i caught myself smiling and it felt weird... it seemed as if i didnt know i was capable of such an emotion.. it wasn't one of those complementary smiles to applease other people... for once i felt like myself again... or at least.. in school i do... it is scary how people around u are able to offer u distractions... of which i gladly accept..
yuting asked me yday.. why i was always trying to help other pple with their problems.. she said i was trying too hard.. and that i should take a break from everything... it sounded great... in fact.. i sounded like a really nice guy.. but she was so far away from the truth... she thought i was strong but i am weak.. she thought i was helping others.. but in fact... i was helping myself... i am ashamed... immersing myself in other people's troubles somehow seems to be able to remove my mind from my own... it's not being nice... it's being cowardly..
somedays.. like today.. i really want to just tell myself i'm having a great life.. there's really nothing to be upset or dissatisfied with... but really.. i lack the conviction.. the conviction to myself.. what my brain says.. my heart disgrees... and what my heart wants.. my actions do not follow... hah.. it's quite a joke.. my life...
