"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
i took for granted all the times that i thought would last forever...the simple things that now look so great.. that's the wonderful thing abt time.. it always make things seem better then even as they slowly remove the details from ur memory.. tried recalling every single happy moment that had happened to me in my life but nothing came out exactly as they were... and then they became sad memories.. not becos i missed them.. but because i begin to doubt they really meant anything to me.. if something was so powerful in ur life.. if something was so great and important.. how come we cant remember them? u tell me u believe in forever.. and that u can remember all the times u had and e friends u make.. but i really dont think u can capture the exact feeling then.. dont be in denial.. or maybe it's just cynical me... i've been pestering you for e cookies but dont u get it?.. its the memory i want.. not the cookie.. maybe its becos u believe so greatly that things will last that made me at least try to believe in it too.. even if i still do not.. i guess that's whats so different abt arts and sci people.. i need evidence.. proof.. wadeva.. i need something.. all u need is a feeling.. now i'm convinced my purest happiness was when i was young.. but not anymore.. these days there still are fun times.. but not without an alloy of other emotions.. which makes it less distinct.. or maybe tt is just the absence of sadness.. i do not know..
9/30/2003 06:29:00 AM
Monday, September 29, 2003
i cant believe how different we are it's almost as if we belong in two different worlds.. although it may seem that everything's ok.. but i think we both know it aint... i guess it's just as well everything's going to end.. i'm really sorry abt yr bday... trust me i didnt want it to turn out that way.. if i had known.. i won't even have gone.. u said i didnt care.. but u really dont know me well do u?.. i nv seem to care abt anything.. but that's only wad pple think they see... i think my free spirited actions are coming back to haunt me.. but u too right?.. i think i would just freeze the image of u in my mind.. of u in e first 3 mths.. at esplanade and all the dumb times in e two yrs.. cos i dont want anything to change.. the last few mths of my jc is really turning out quite sucky.. and it's worse tt i cant even show it...
i think i shd just void myself of all these emotions.. let's just wait for this yr to be over and den every1 can continue their lives elsewhere...
Friday, September 26, 2003
hah! its finally over.. i think im more relieved den happy.. and yday was really very very funny... i guess it's true.. the craziest times are the times best remembered... but for a moment last nite.. i was very sad.. amidst all the happy faces.. there was a sad me.. but only for a while.. cos of NS and the aust trip.. it means my journey with every1 ends after nov... sigh... i guess every1 thought it was quite a joke.. i tried to make it seem like one.. but inside..... hmmm...
9/26/2003 10:30:00 PM
Monday, September 22, 2003
what you want may not necessarily be what's good for you.. but u'll want it anyway..
been allowing myself to fall time and time again lately.. i dont know why i allow myself that and i quite despise myself.. but sometimes it's easier that way... self pity is quite sickening... but i really miss her alot.. she was so much better with yuting den i am.. or will ever be... and in u i see her.. i dont know why.. mabbe it's a bit of what my mom said.. mabbe it's the things that u two do in common.. that's why smtimes im so cautious around u.. many things u feel will nv happen in ur lifetime.. always w/ others but nv with urself.. but they do.. and when they happen.. it leaves a scar... i think u are right.. moods are reflected.. from one person to another.. alot of times i tell pple to be open w their feelings cos it sucks to hide behind a facade.. but i do it anyway.. i guess i can nv be too honest with myself.. sometimes i even doubt what i think... let alone what i tell others..
life as a nineteen yr old sucks.. but i dont want to grow any older... cos it'll just get worse.. i fear...
9/22/2003 04:31:00 AM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
shiva the hindu god of destruction.. shi va... shi qing.. are we related?.. why am i destroying so much ard me.. it's not my fault.. my ego is too great to admit that.. but somehow in someways... however small they may be.. i feel my presence could be more appreciated gone.. sometimes i wonder what the world would be like w/o me.. and den i realise.. nothing would be different.. i think i shall be the handphone hermit i said i would be.. any form of correction is destablising.... whoever that economist.. i hope he is right.. and so i choose no action and hope it's best...
im sorry lawrence.. yuting.. for doing whatever i did.. or not doing wadever i shd have done... i shall just let myself slip away and hope everything would be fine again..
9/20/2003 04:50:00 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
pls let it be known that i will remain the passive me... not when im utterly and wholely convinced im not the one for you.. at least not the right one.. wad exactly is it being sweet which i just cant bring myself to be... or let tt be my excuse for my shortcomings... pple ard u are so so nice i find myself suffocating just trying to be a fraction of them.. this is not a case of no confidence.. of which i lack none.. but rather.. i wish u not to settle for second best... as they say in econs.. and u shd know best... never settle for the second best solution...and sadly i fear this is so...
9/16/2003 08:06:00 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2003
it's weird how u choose a certain thing but have your back facing it all the time.. i really don't understand you and it really makes me sick inside.. days like this.. im in confusion.. and e prelims really are not helping.. i think im happy.. but den i think im not.. actually... i duno what to think... i guess i can only seek consolation that i am not this lost in my academics..
every1 is feeling a little down lately... i guess i can only help be a distraction for them.. how they may say otherwise..i dont know.. but that's all i can do.. and jiun haur.. im refering to you too.. =) prelims are coming.. and tt can only mean the As are too!.. and den after that... after that.. things that shd happen will happen... for you... for me.. for every1... forever..?
so many things have happened i dont know where to begin.. in fact.. im not even sure i can adequately put them down in words.. but the greatest most beautiful thing that happened was you.. you happened.. and i'm glad...for all the times i have said never.. now i know it was all a bluff... but the suddenness in which it all came crashing into place still shocks me.. haven seen you since n i wonder wad it would be like... but den again it doesnt matter... i guess everything happens for a reason... but den in this case.... i dont see a need for a reason cos i feel it is reason in itself... i feel im living in oblivion and very soon the dream would end... and tt almost always draw me back to reality... i guess it's true.. it's not the hour for loving....
9/09/2003 08:25:00 AM
