"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Friday, November 21, 2003
i think i've finally found the answer to the qns in my previous entry.. sorry i haven been blogging much of late..partly cos of the As which has flown by.. but mostly becos.. i just cannot put down in words what has exactly happened to my life.. not wad has happened in my life but to my life.. i feel tainted but i feel i shdn't feel that way... somehow for once i am glad a person's life comes in chapters.. when one closes another opens to a new page with new characters and thus a new beginning.. but den again.. it only means that the ending of a chapter is of so little importance.. the frivolousness in which everything is coming to place is astonishing... i am surprised as much by u as by myself how cleaning everything has just taken a step back.. almost as if there is an imaginary line drawn between us.. today my mum asked of us again.. i think she has some idea what is happening.. or at least she seems to have..
i guess what started from the boat shd aptly end w/ a boat.. in the matrix.. everything that has a beginning has an ending.. but im not sure of it's relevance here.. did we even have a beginning to speak of.. or maybe its just a matrix world?.. i really dunno.. maybe all the dreamy feelings we thought we had were in actual fact dreams... i need some1 to unplug me from this place.. i need to breathe real air.. feel real emotions.. and not you.. i take that back.. cos i still hope it is u.. but my mom says otherwise like almost every1 else.. to be honest sometimes i find myself thinking otherwise too.. its almost too easy to... but i know i will come ard it all.. i need ur help but time is short.. help is non forecoming.. so i shall sit out the ending of this story and await the new chapter in my life...
Saturday, November 01, 2003
am i doing something wrong? why do i feel so guilty? i try to persuade myself otherwise but i think it is only making me feel more so.. do i really know what i want? if feelings be judge den i sure am confused... ivan i understand what u feel now.. actually it's a little different but i feel e same anyway.. sometimes it's best to not have anything from the start.. den u wouldnt have the feeling of losing it.. i hate it..my instinctive reaction to grab out at things which are withdrawing from my life.. i dont know why i cant just let it withhdraw w/ grace.. im just being a spoilt boy.. cant take defeat cant take pain.. cant take losses cant take loneliness... i am weak..
if there's something u need.. and den there's something else u want...which will u have?..
11/01/2003 03:55:00 PM
