"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Friday, February 28, 2003
its an hour away from 1st march 2003.. it'll be my brother's bdae and glenn's too!.. went out to buy presents for them with weiying this afternn.. and somehow even though the pressies werent for me.. i'm feeling happy.. seeing them smile when they get their presents.. i dont think u all can understand how i feel right now.. mabbe except for janny.. i could see she was sharing the happiness i felt when we gave the present to glenn and treating him to his marche dinner and the 'card' cake.. haha.. quite cheapskate but in all honesty.. i think he enjoyed himself...
it's quite funny how sometimes when u try ur best to cheer urself up u cant.. but when u try to cheer some1 else up... u feel alot happier urself... its quite cliche but i will still have to say it.. what goes around comes around... i dont believe in retribution and all those religious stuff but i really think u will feel alot happier if u can make the pple around u happy... today was a really good example.... duno why all of a sudden i felt the urge to do something special for glenn.. mabbe it was his childish behavior which made me feel the childhood spirit once more... or mabbe it was bcos it felt as if his parents werent bothering to make his bdae special... but the more i tried to do something special for his bdae.. the more i wanted to..
in abt 10 days time...it would be my bdae... i duno wad i really want to happen on my bdae.. i know i will be very happy if my og remembered.. but somewhere within me i dont want anyone to know my bdae.. quite strange aint it?.. considering the A.A.A (attention attracting animal) that i am... but i shan comment abt it and jus let it come... and den i shall see wad i really want.... i think only when things really happen do they reflect what one really wants... or smtg lidat.. in too good a mood for such deep thoughts.. i shall rest my blog....
2/28/2003 07:14:00 AM
Thursday, February 27, 2003
i slept thru the whole day... thru breakfast.. thru lunch.. and even dinner if i had the choice.. i had many things planned out for today.. i wanted to go to school.. i wanted to buy glenn's and my bro's pressie.. but procrastination took over like satan's little helper.. it robbed me of my life today.. i did nothing.. i accomplished nothing.. but i dont regret it... i did wad i did cos i wanted it to happen that way... i've realised that sometimes..it's beta to jus accept and move on den to challenge and ask why every step of the way.. it makes life that much simpler to live thru... i once read in dalgish's blog which said something to the effect that he wouldnt mind letting some1 live his life for him.. at first i thought he was a depressed soul in need of help.. but when i thought abt it longer.. it kinda make sense.. i think 'life' is like a burden thrown upon u.. a heavy sack which u have to carry on ur journey towards death...along the way.. things slip out of the sack.. u can choose to go back to pick it up.. or jus move on with a lighter load... i choose the latter... today has passed however uneventful it is... and tomorrow will come.. inevitably... so i'll move on with my heavy sack which has grown one day lighter....
2/27/2003 06:24:00 AM
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
haha.. i am sick AGAIN!.. its the fluzZzz!! i hate the flu bug.. hmm wonder what the flu bug looks like... some mean looking thing digging up ur nosereell.. making u sneeze and excreting some semen looking things called mucus.. sighh.. my lungs feels flooded with mucus.. my eyes are red and watery... and the worse thing is. i have to go to school tmlo... cos i have physicx S and sharaeh bball!.. ohhHHh wEellLll... hahaaz.. but nvmx.. the flu will pass me by..*arR cheeEwwW!*.. haaha.. added more flu bugs into the air...oh yea.. one good thing happened today.. actually it aint really a good good kinda thing..jus tt i stupidly feel =) abt it..... she gave me her pen!.. haha. the thing is.. she sorta didnt want it so she like...cos i was sitting next to her..so she was like.. "na! u can have it!"... hahaha.. yea i know im quite loser.. but hmm.. duno la... juz trying to make myself happier nowadays... so yea.. this kinda small things er.. kinda help...
oh oh oh!.. and friday's the O level results!. so so much more excited abt it den my AO results.. really really hope some pple from aquilia will stay on.. haiz.. really really hope so.. *fingers cross*... feels exactly the same as last yr when i was getting my OWN results.. only this time.. for so so so many more pple!!.. and if some pple were to leave i'll jus cry... really.. like peiyi vanessa lijia weiqing.. hmmx. and mabbe dawn and sherman la.. but they two. abit tricky... oh and of cosh ... jon dave foo and james.z..w/o them rj squash will jus DIE!...
i need to go toilet liao.. u know what blog.. when u and i first started.. i took u as a well.. a well where i can dump all my emotions into and let it reflect back on me.. but now.. it seems all my emotions have been sorted out.. im a much happier person.. im starting to treat u as a friend. it feels kinda weird talking to u when i know im actually jus writing to myself.. but itz fun!... imagining that mabbe...jus mabbe a blog does have a life and u can read wad i type in here.. den oh man.. we will be the bestest of friends..haha.. damn.. im starting to sound like a schszo split personality freak... ok ok.. go toilet go toilet... tataz~
2/26/2003 03:14:00 AM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
yay! i went back to school today.. felt a bit weird at first trying to adjust back to my classmates.. i noticed i haven spent much time with them.. esp over the weekends.. it was og og all the way.. so i was quite glad to see some of them.. haha.. SOME.. not all.. today.. b/sides the usual scolding and stuff.. oh! and i found out i had to hand in the maths 'S' hw tmlo.. it was quite an OK day..went back to train squash... i think i know how to make my life as pleasant and sad-less as possible.. its to try to indulge in all the senseless little things which helps to take up time in ur life... i was pretty bz the whole day... council room really helped alot.. like bumming in there singing with huayu.. joining pe and went for training.. somehow it helps me take my mind off things a bit.. its like having a little vacation in my mind and my heart... try a break.. the problems seem endless so why bother rushing thru them?.. there doesnt seem to be a deadline.. i think i've finally managed to stick by my motto.. to take things as they come.. it may seem apathetic to those who are still blinded by idealism... wake up to the real world friends!.. wake up and see that problems are never-ending.. they jus keep coming!!.. so try to solve them yesh!.. but try to be and STAY happy as well!!>. i think from now on.. my entries would be alot lighter... i was talking to jenni today.. she seemed kinda troubled today.. somewad like how i was a while ago.... i hope this present paradise im in right now is not a temporary shelter away from all the troubles and problems.. but a true state of mind in which i can differentiate being caught up and hounded by a problem... and trying to solve one w/o being affected by it much..... yes... i hope i hope.... =)....but for now...
Monday, February 24, 2003
im sick.. my throat is inflamed.. i speak like an old man with lung cancer from all the smoking...i woke up at 230pm this afternn and my sch ended at 1150am.. so i didnt go to school.. been watching tv for the past few hrs.. my bro was out seeing the doctor... his leg is still not fully healed yet.. and he went for some physio i think.. he jus got back and is watching tv... haha.. that bum...
i think the problem between my dad and my mom is over... at least for now.. they seem to be able to talk normally again... but i'll be fooling myself if i think its all nice and smooth-sailing from now on.. i really believe my parents marrying is a mistake but it's a mistake they have to cont. making for the rest of their lives.. sometimes i really wish they would jus divorced.. my mom keeps saying that she's trying to cont. for our (my bro and i) sake.. i guess she really meant it but i dont think things as they are now is the best for me and my bro..
but wadeva the case... i've decided to take things easy... i've decided alot of things over the weekend... and i hope i'll be able to smile a bit more now..
my life seems to be going back on track.. studies... frens.. my own emotions.. even my parents for now.. everything seems ok for now.. hahaz.. *touch wood*... i've decided to be nicer from now on.. i really don't think i'm going to be fake nice.. but really nice.. cos the past few days.. the pple around me were all very nice.. peiyi.. lijia.. and somehow they seem to be able to make pple around them feel happy.. i kinda envy them.. they have this 'nice' thing in them.. but i dont..hmm.. but it doesnt matter..i'll try anyway.. it really makes people feel alot =) when u are nice.. last time i used to be very worried abt being nice to pple..cos they would either think u are fake or have other intentions.. but from now on im jus not going to care!.. if ever i have a gf.. i hope she would be some1 like lijia.. i really dont know how to describe it.. she's jus so so nice... it seems impossible to be bad to her.. and i think thats the way i want people to see me as...
all of a sudden... i seem to have come to the end of a dark patch in my life.. everything seems to be looking up... either tat or im jus thinking it that way.. but either way..im jus glad things are as they are now.. im in a happier mood and when i started writing this blog entry.. negative thoughts werent flooding into my mind like it used to... im normal again!.. i hope..*gulp*
thank you blog.. for walking me thru this dark patch i had since the beginning of the yr...
2/24/2003 02:05:00 AM
Sunday, February 23, 2003
im back! the chalet was exhausting.. slept less than 4hrs in total the past 2 days.. feeling kinda like a zombie now. but it was really fun.. laughing and clowning around with aquilia.. esp when our brains were starting to malfunction due to the lack of slp.. we pooled.. played cards.. bridge.. mahjong.. and told ghosts stories.. tot lijia was chicken.. weiying was worse..hah! the ring story.. the council telephone.. peiyi calling lijia's hp.. everything and everything.. it was really v fun.. and of cosh... the animal game invented by ivan mualala... cat dog pig... lijia weiying jon... hahax..
but thru all the fun.. the chalet really brought me closer to peiyi... we started talking abt stuff esp on the 2nd nite...the mood of the 2nd nite during bbq was very gloomy.. every1 was feeling a bit down.. mabbe its the lack of slp.. or the long walk from the chalet to the pit.. or fucking shit philip doing his fuckin' nonsense.. whichever way.. i think he's juz a fuck... anw.. many pple were feeling upset..and i didnt help at all being so constipated and moody even though i didnt really have anything to be sad over... i duno why... but all these makes me feel even more useless den i already am... peiyi was upset cos his junior passed away... weiqing was sad over the problem of having real frens i think.. and i duno abt lijia but some1 said she was crying also.. but i didnt even try to help them.. no.. i jus slipped into my typical moody mode again.. im starting to feel sick of always being a weakling...
den weiqing said.."actually its not what u say but rather the fact that u care that matters"
thank you weiqing.. that sentence alone suddenly made me want you to be my good fren... after tt i went to talk to peiyi and slowly the mood got a bit beta... and somehow instead of me consoling him.. he had to convince me that i was a good ogl and all... hahax.. speaking of being useless..sigh.. but i was really very very happy when he said tt he wanted to join o team cos of his 2 ogls.. hmmx.. haha.. *proud*... as a whole.. the chalet was jus superb!.. superb!... haahaa.. it made me forget abt her...at least for a while.. tmlo im going back to sch and will be seeing her.. hmm.. duno whether to feel happy or sad...hahax...
and the parody of terence's life goes on...
da da dum da dum da da....
2/23/2003 05:47:00 AM
Thursday, February 20, 2003
was in the car today and my mum was telling me abt my dad..i really wasnt paying much attention to her.. my tots were of the chalet and bbq over the weekend.. but vaguely i heard her scolding my dad.. and regreting marrying him...
"regret is the most painful feeling u can have" - my mum
that caught my attention.. though i have yet to live most of my life and cannot speak of many major regrets.. i think its important to live a life of no regrets.. most of the time we hesitate.. we fear.. we are undecided.. and when we get down to really doing the things we really want.. it has past us by.. is doing the right thing always that important?.. most of our lives are spent on bending round the laws of rights and wrongs.. why are we so caught up with being right and avoiding wrongs?.. who says whats right and wats wrong?.. as long as u think what u do is right.. jus do it!.. even if u realised u are wrong in the end.. u know u have tried to do it right..and thats all that really matters... life is short.. to spend half ur life worrying abt doing the wrong things.. why not spend it trying to do the right things?.. even if u fail eventually.. u would not have anything to regret cos u know u failed trying...
nothing is sadder den seeing regret in some1's eyes... the feeling that he shd have done smtg but did not... it hurts that u have let a chance slip away.. its painful that u are short-changing ur own life.... come 20 yrs down the road... i would like to look back on my life now and say proudly that i have no regrets for all that i've done.. it doesnt matter that along the way.. i did many things wrong... the thing is... i tried..
yuting sent me an email today... it said stuff which made me feel that we can become gd frens once again.. but do i really want our frenship to be like before?.. we were very close last time and all.. but after what happened.. it allowed me to know her better and i really dont think i want a good fren like her.. its sad and its cruel of me to say that.. but having a friend who lacks confidence is really tiring.. and after wad we went thru.. its not possible for me to view her as before.. mabbe we can become frens who can talk easily again.. but i really doubt we can be that close like last time... somehow i jus don't.....
the yuting who was my gd friend last yr has died.. and she can nv come back again... mabbe its not her fault.. its jus my mind has changed... but in my mind.. i've lost a gd gd friend....
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
yuting came to sit nxt to me today during maths lecture.. caught me by surprise but i let her anyway... den she started talking abt the very issue i've been hiding from all this while... where do we go from here... she kept asking me what to do and it got me a bit irritated.. i was feeling v tired abt the whole issue and she had to place all the burden of resolving the problem on me.. den she said i just want us to cont being frens... me too me too... but i really duno how... mabbe slowly when the awkwardness wears off.. but really.. a shattered mirror will always remain a flawed mirror no matter how u try to patch it up... i gues my friendship with her would jus be another scarred mirror...
2/19/2003 06:51:00 AM
we ran like we nv did.. around 10 of us... madly.. from changi airport to terminal 2.. onto the skytrain to terminal 1... to gate 3.. it was crazy... it was stupid.. but we did it anyway.. it didnt matter that other people were staring.. it didnt matter that we thought it was impossible.. it didnt even matter that my heart was pumpin so furiously i was almost out of breath.. ivan was leaving and we may not be able to see him one last time... our presents.. our presence.. all not delivered to him... when we reached.. 2 j3s told us he had left...my heart sank.. i cursed.. was that how it was all going to end?.. a 2yr special frenship with a special some1...?... we stood by the glass staring in at the checkin counter.. den suddenly.. we saw him coming... i really cannot explain how i felt at that pt in time... its like when u are a child during xmas hanging a sock by the window..and when one day u find a present in it.... that one day.. u realised there's something called miracle... though he couldnt come out.. we took a foto with him thru the glass... i really wanted to cry.. i really did.. but im happy that i didnt... i guess ivan wanted that to be the way.. to leave with a smile... and once again my selffars were there for me.. esp dawn and yengyong.. really really thank you!!.. somehow i feel i owe u people more than anything.. i know im the ogl and all that.. but it seems i need u people more den u all know.. really...really...
as it is.. ivan is gone.. but i guess i've learnt to accept that farewells are part of life.. i think that is one of the gifts that ivan left for me.. he taught me how to accept and move on... once again..... thank you...ivan huang..
2/19/2003 06:38:00 AM
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
ivan has left for auss... feeling very drained right now.. think i'll tell u abt it tmlo....hmmx..
Monday, February 17, 2003
ivan's leaving.. he's not coming back anymore... somehow it feels as if he's going to die.. i mean there's really no difference.. mabbe once or twice he may appear in my dreams but chances are we wont cross paths again.. i know i'll miss him..his jokes.. his conversations... his smile his eyes...i know i will.. yrs from now..i wont be sure i can create his face in my memory.. i cant even be sure if i can remember him... my memory will fade.. such is the weakness of humans.. but i take comfort in the fact that somewhere in my life.. i know a man called ivan huang....
to ivan:
i tried to write a poem.. but somehow nothing seems to come close to how i really feel right now.. i think only i will know how much u mean to me... so all i can do is show u my heart and hope u can see how i really feel...
though in the end...
we have to part...
u will be my friend...
always in my heart..
caught playing bridge at ghim moh....hmmmx.....xia di yu de gan jue zhi bu guo ru chi.... *_*
2/17/2003 05:08:00 AM
Sunday, February 16, 2003
i dont want to type it out.. im ashamed.. but i will... my parents are quarreling again.. doors are slamming and my brother is asking them to stop.. i cant be bothered to.. it has happened one time too many.. i dont think wad i say will help..im apathetic... i give up.. times like this makes me believe there's no such thing as real love.. not even amongst my family... things my dad does to my mum i will nv forget.. i pity my brother.. his leg is swollen and he's on clutches but all my parents are doing is quarrel... blog.. help me out...
2/16/2003 05:55:00 AM
feeling a thousand times beta now den i have been lately... =) think its partly the long long nap i took...and partly cos of what weiying said over icq.. felt it makes alot of sense.. haha my blog seems to be an emotional see-saw.. my mood swings are really bad.. but dont think im mad.. im jus deranged.. sometimes i'll laugh at wad i write in here.. other times..i'll rather not see it... but one thing's for sure.. i know i've been perfectly honest with how i feel... and im glad for that...if one day some1 i know stumbles on this site.. i know i'll die.. but i wont regret it.. but for now.. i live on in this thrill.. hoping my blog-world will remain unexposed...
2/16/2003 01:31:00 AM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
my life's in a mess.. my studies are so far behind and im failing every test so far.. and im having so many problems with my friends.. duno how it all suddenly become lidat.. im at a lost.. i duno what to do.. and where to start.. my hw is piling up and i jus cant get around to doing them... my bro's watching the tv now.. duno why whenever i am feeling upset.. he's always around me.. and he always seem so problem-free.. or mabbe he does have problems which i do not know of... i think pple tend to try to hide their problems.. at least i try to.. thats why im here...i keep saying i need to sort out my problems but i nv do.. wheneva i feel as if i've cleared them all.. they suddenly come back again.. i think it's becos i think too much and dwell too long in my problems.. i shd jus chuck it aside and move on... i think i'll be spendin the whole of today immersing myself in my hw... its school again tmlo... quite want it to come faster.. to have things to occupy myself with...this weekend has really been a very forgetable weekend for me.....
hmm.. now that im more calm.. i read thru my past entries... and noticed that my relationship with yuting seems to be getting from bad to worse... i think it's cos im feeling v tired of always having to consider her feelings.. granted.. i was the one who made her feel the way she is feeling now.. and im sorry for that.. i take back all the bad things i said a moment ago... think my temper jus got in the way of things and clouded my mind... i think i will try and see how things go b/w me and yuting... keep saying i wana give up and stuff lidat..and always not doing it.. very very irritating...
i think i'll jus go offline and slp on it.. hope i'll feel beta tmlo......
2/15/2003 08:19:00 AM
i feel i need my selffars more than they need me.. somehow with them around.. i can temporarily relieve myself from my problems.. even if it was for that v short moment.. i think im starting to employ the escapist mindset but there's really nothing more i can do.. i fear i may not be facing reality but choose the easier path of just avoiding it.. den when my mood was so bad.. weiying jus had to piss me off.. getting angry over the smallest of things.. fuck u man!.. i have enough problems of my own.. dont need u to add to them thank you!.. thankfully my selffars were there... they were like my life support.. though i doubt they know the problems im facing.. or even that im upset.. they did miracles in cheering me up.. lijia peiyi yengyong amanda... thank you all..really really..thank you!...
today will be the last day i will ever.. EVER get upset over yuting.. i will not allow her to do anything like that to me ever again.. mabbe its unfair cos she doesnt know.. but her actions are really disturbing me.. like why must u behave like u dont even recognise me and make me feel its my fault??.. cant u take rejection and jus move on in life??.. u so damn are making it seem as if its my fault.. and god damn u are ruining my life.. im sad i feel this way but i do.. and there's no changin that.. i remember i said once in my previous entry that things will not return to normal.. and now im even more sure of that... im feeling very emotionally unbalanced now.. talking abt it makes me feel more and more wronged... i know i will regret the things i say today when i look back at it another time.. but at this very moment.. this is exactly how i feel abt everything and every1...
2/15/2003 08:02:00 AM
Friday, February 14, 2003
we sat along nicol highway.. staring down at the entire singapore landscape.. it's valentine's day but the mood was not there..mabbe it was cos i was not with the right company.. or mabbe it was the nagging problems roaming around in my head... we did silly things like "shout-as-loud-as-possible" or "spit-as-far-as-u-can" contests... we talked... we played with firecrackers.. it was fun and eventful.. but somehow i could feel it was not an entirely perfect day...2 reasons...
lawrence ivan and i were staring at the sky.. commenting on how perfect it looked... with the sun partially hidden behind the high buildings with streaks of brillant rays overflowing the sky.. it was a pretty sight.. but we didnt have a camera with us.. come to think of it.. it would be the last time i would have a chance to be there with ivan.. tuesday and he'll be leaving for australia.. but things like this..is like viewing the sun.. if u stare at it directly.. u'll nv see the beauty of it with the glare.. but so long as u are able to see it's effects.. isnt that enough?.. ivan has touched my life in a special way.. and i shd be happy that he did..and not upset that he will nv again come tuesday.. i will not cry on tuesday.. i give u my word for it.. not a tear.. dont want my last impression in ivan's mind to be that of a crybaby... but little things tday kept reminding me that ivan's leaving... first was the camera thing.. den dawn and e rest started talking abt it.. den larence and ivan started talkin abt council goin to be over.. den sherman talked abt tday being the last outing and dinner with ivan...and somehow it affected my mood..
den it was yuting again... im getting very frustrated with her and everything... she was with justina the entire time today at sentosa so i knew she was having one of those depressed moods again... den when i was giving her the oteam flower.. she deliberately said "oh from ian rhee ar?" like why the hell would i give her a flower from ian rhee.. the sarcasm in her tone made me feel v pissed abt why im even trying to patch up with her...and duno how many times today i tried to talk to her and she didnt even bother to make the attempt to converse.. i know she's feeling victimized and all.. but couldnt she spare a thought for me?.. so.. she has feelings and i dont har?... if i jus ignore her she'll come up to me one day and say i dont value the frenship.. and if i try to talk to her she'll say why am i messing ard with her when i already took my stand... wad the hell do u want me to do?.. and u know wad??.. i dont think i care anymore...im jus going to not talk to u... i think that's the best for both of us... or at least for me... my emotions was totally screwed up today cos of her.. come to think of it.. i was sorta glad that she left when she left... im being a bastard.. but at least im an honest bastard...i think im trying too hard and its time to stop...
but its not to say its a totally hopeless vday.. pple who brought a smile to my face today were yanling.. (esp her! she's so cute and funny!).. chermain.. lawrence (spent so much time talking to him).. dawn and her nonsense.. and of cos... ivan huang!.. pls do not be mistaken... though it seems like it from the number of times i mention him (ivan)..i am not.. and i repeat... NOT involved in any dubious relationship with him.. *suspicious grin*..haha..
1235am.. valentine's over.. hope come next yr.. i'll have something more joyful to tell u... oh.. jus a while ago on sms.. she ask me who i liked... ahah..how ironic.. YOU DAMNIT!..you you you you!!.. i wanted to say that.. but all i said was... "nah that girl too hot for me".. and she said... "every1's too hot for u..so jus give it a shot"... jus when i tot i could get somewhere with tat conversation.. it turned into a joke... its always like that la.. getting used to it... but nvm.. there's always another time...heheex..
k going to sch tmlo to study.. so guess i beta snooze now... cya.. and happy valentine's day to u too.. a bit belated..but nvm!..
2/14/2003 08:42:00 AM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
forgot to mention this.. i met yanqi at orchard today... had much longer hair den when i last saw her at openhouse... hope she doesnt come to rjc after the 3 mths to avoid the awkwardness... realise i've been trying to run away from awkwardness my entire life.. but i shant talk abt it now.. feeling quite sleepy and drained.. think i shd go and sleep now...
hmm.. and i think i exploded a bit at weiying just now.. feel quite sorry for her for catching me at the wrong time when im in such a volatile mood... sorry weiying...
2/13/2003 07:43:00 AM
to her:
if i could control my emotions..i would difinitely choose not to like u.. because im afraid of losing u even as a friend.. its valentine's eve and i was at orchard shopping when i saw this magnet with your name in chinese imprinted on it.. i swear i really wanted to get it for u.. really really wanted to.. but i didnt...i couldnt..and now im regreting like crazy.. on my way home i was thinking whether i shd tell u how i feel.. cos im quite confident this will not spoil our friendship even if it turns to null but i dont dare to risk it... i'll rather it be like now... unchanged... be satisfied with what i have... but i guess it's human greed.. i quietly hope for something more.. something which would last forever...but i think i'll be very selfish if i went up to u and tell u how i felt.. when i told u that i almost got u a valentine's gift this evening.. u said u would be v touched if i did.. and i jokingly said that it cost too much.. but i was lying... i know it was a v casual remark which u thought nothing of when u said u would feel touched.. but it made me regret not getting it for u... how stupid that i let something like that slip away... trust me.. i have seriously tried to get u out of my mind these few days.. but it doesnt seem to work.. and im giving up even doing that.. now i'll jus let myself rot... and let my emotions be played around by u like a puppet on ur hand.. on good days my emotions are kept in check and i feel in control... but days like this.. i jus let my emotions take over and lead me around by my nose...
to u:
dont really have much to say to u right now... i skipped physics 's' today to get some shopping done for ivan's presents... and ended up with toe's and ghim's as well.. felt quite bad i couldnt get lawrence a present.. but oh well he deserve it for being zhong se qing you! tomorrow's going to be a very unpredictable day.. hope my emotions wouldnt run wild... met wanyuan in the welfare room today.. and didnt say anything to her.. duno why she's lidat nowadays.. maybe she's pissed with me or smtg.. not really sure.. but thats not really important.. had smtg i wanted to tell u but i cant remember exactly wat it is.... my bro's playing with the PS2 again.. some tekken 4 game.. dont know when he's gona grow out of it but its distracting me from my thoughts...ar! i remember.. i have this feeling today that i have very few friends in class... the chermain rena keith etc click and den there's the ryan glenn and i click.. now yuting's drifted away and janny and weiying seems to have some 'girl' thing goin on and always hang out by themselves.. it feels as if glenn and ryan are the only two ard nowadays.. and even they make me feel very distant.. glenn seems to always disappear somewhere.. and ryan is always keepin his problems to himself.. wad the hell is his problem!?.. been trying so hard to get closer to him but he always moves away.. cant we gel together more?.. every1 seems to have friends out there who are more worth their while.. mabbe i shd kick them aside and find my own friends outside.. lawrence was a refreshing experience this afternn.. quite enjoyed it.. thank you lawrence... and now i find myself going to council room more often.. its a warmer place there den class... ok.. thats abt all i have to say.. not really very happy thoughts today.. cos it aint really a very happy day.. but there are happy moments.. shopping at orchard... talking and teasing kai lyn.. doing the pressies and planning the alducon painting w lawrence and kai lyn... and none of it with my classmates... i wonder why.....
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
sitting in front of the screen not knowing what to type.. not becos i've ran out tots...but becos i jus do not know how to phrase them out in words coherently... somewhere in my brain.. there is a picture of happiness.. a picture where every1 is smiling and sadness is jus a myth.. but ask me what that looks like and i wont be able to tell u... is happiness jus an impossible destination which every1 tries to go to but fail?.. is there such a thing as true happiness?.. who dares say he/she is truly happy?...
many times happiness we feel are temporary relieves from the sadness we face in life.. we think we feel happy.. when all we feel is a momentary absence from sadness... is that happiness??..and even when we feel happy.. how often do they last?.. how do we find eternal happiness?.. funny how we go abt our entire life trying to find happiness..when for most of us.. the happiest times of our lives was when we were young... are we jus trying to recapture the lost joy as we grow older?.. as we grow more cynical.. more tainted by every1 else?..
den there are people who say... when u're feeling sad.. be glad u are cos without sadness..there wont be happiness...wad shit is tt??.. den cant we say without happiness there cant be sadness as well??... i have to admit i too am in search of my own happiness.. but where can i find it?.. is it embedded in some1.. or is it somewhere within myself...jus that i haven truly found it?.. is it just a state of mind.. or is there really a physical entity called happiness?...
with so little understanding of it.. with so little clues.. i begin my journey on the search for this thing called happiness.. groping blindly hoping that some1 will come along and show me the way... and along the way.. i bump into many such people groping for their own happiness.. we become friends.. we forge a common memory.. and we move on... and everything becos jus another picture in ur brain... its sad but that's reality... i read it somewhere that life can be summed up in 3 words... " it goes on..." and if one day i really find my true happiness... den i'll come back and tell u where it is....
2/12/2003 05:27:00 AM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
damn that stupid lawrence play me out!!.. got some duno wad VIP tickets so he dumped me for some girl... so much for being frens... sheesh.. oh well.. nvm.. use today to catch up on my work.. and well.. MABBE if im LUCKY.. get this blog properly decorated..im juz an IT retard la.. cant seem to get anything goin right... was supposed to go weiying's house for lunch or smtg.. but every1 doesnt seem to be free... ryan's duno doing wad.. glenn..hmmx... and janny's with some mysterious guy.. looks like i hafta make myself bz too!.. busy...with work..sigh...
hmm.. smsed yuting yday.. and her replies were quite cold... sounded quite distant which made it feel awkward.. but i guess she's jus moving on in life.. good for her!... some how i feel its my fault that things turned out the way it did... shd have known beta with every1 telling and warning me. now having one of my guilt trips again.. haix.. but i really dont know what else to do with her... always have the impression that she wasnt too happy in class when i was playing ard with the other person... but somehow i jus cont... like why shd i let her control me??... shdnt i jus do wad i want and think is rite?.. isnt that the motto i live by now?...
where once we were so close...
we promised to stay frens till forever..
we talked abt going to each other's wedding...
all the times we confided in the other...
now.. we are like strangers...
mabbe worse...
how did it all end like this...
this curse...
really doubt there is any turning back....
to the times we had in my memory...
but im thankful..im glad...
for at least u will be part of my life story..
Poem for Yuting: if ever u chance upon this blog.. which i seriously doubt and hope not... pls do remember that whatever happens... u had a best fren in me...
2/11/2003 05:19:00 PM
feeling damn aggitated!!.. stupid blog nv seems to be able to come out right... wanted to add a msg logger and............... *shake head*
wad to do?!?.. WHAT TO DO NOW?!?!?!....argghhh..
2/11/2003 06:49:00 AM
is there really such a thing as fate? destiny? are things meant to be or an effect due to our actions?.. weiying sent me an sms saying that we wouldnt be such close friends if not for brigde.. which made me wonder if it really is fate that brought us four together...or is fate jus an excuse for the lazy man...
i've been thinking abt it for a while... and i think i've finally come up with wad i really think of fate...
it may be fate that i got closer weiying thru bridge..or with ryan and glenn thru the cambodia trip.. but if i wanted to... i could have easily chosen to stay distant from them...fate is just a door to the things ahead... what future lies in store for every1 is really what we make it out to be... i dont believe in lying back and let destiny decide our fate... a phrase from the 8oclock serial "ren ming dan bu ren shu"... to be able to expect one's life but not admit defeat is what i really think shd be the case for us to be at peace with ourselves.. as long as we know we have done wad we feel is our best.. den wadeva the outcome.. it really really doesnt matter.. but it's not to say that things in life are that simple... humans are weak.. i am weak... things sound so idealistic and logical and plain and simple when we put them in words.. but when they actually do happen.. humans flaws always come into play... feeling lousy after a test even though we knew we did our best... feeling irritated that we didnt achieve wad we wanted...even though we know it couldnt have turned out beta... its sorta like economics.. its like this and this.. that and that in perfect competition.. but in the real world... wad we can get is only monopolistic competition or oligopoly... hahas.. nv knew econs can be so useful....
so for now.. all i can do is work towards a perfect competition scenario... and take my physicz test results in my stride... though actually i know i could have put in more effort... hahaz... but oh well.. wadz done is done.. but actually all this is not wad i really wana tell u blog...its like this...
today was a SUPERB day!.. haha... felt more in control of myself den i have been the past countless days... did things i wanted to do.. not let others affect me..not even her.. for a moment today.. i was even comtemplating telling her.... wad a freaky tot!! but i think at last i sorta decided... that i wouldnt go for it... the right person at the wrong place or time is the wrong person... (quote ivan)... and j2 is definitely the wrong time!... ok ok!.. i've decided on a motto to live by.... "Do what u think is right.... all else can fuck it man!!"..haha.. a vulgar motto..
yesh!... ttz abt it man!... felt as if i've accomplished quite a lot today in terms of sorting out my emotions... quite a fruitful day.. barring that disastrous physicz test!...yuckkz!! =(
2/11/2003 05:22:00 AM
Monday, February 10, 2003
haiz.. jus got back from squash friendly with some old police academy chaps.. pretty friendly bunch.. though im super shagged and WOUNDED now.. lost to raymond.. drats... but oh well... cant expect wonders after slacking in squash for so long rite?.. 1130pm and there's a physics test in...9 hrs.. haha.. can forget about sleeping liao!!... wooOoOhOOoO!!....
what happened today... hmm.. it was peiyi's bdae yday so i got lijia to get him a cake.. coffee cake it turned out.. tried to surprise him by hiding it but things went totally wrong... he came early den yuting had to give it away... pretty fun though.. quite happy that aquilia is still having this kinda senseless fun so long after orientation.. hmm one plus point to today!...tried talking to yuting in the morning at zaecove.. didnt turn out to be as awkward as i had thought it would be.. but it didnt last.. the awkwardness set bak in immediately when classes started... but anyway.. good for a start la..i guess..
den i met her at assembly... and she stood next to me.. couldnt really concentrate on the national anthem.. hah... so much for being a patriotic citizen.. she started asking me stuff and i gave her a very cold reply... and regreted it the moment it left my mouth... quite stupid eh blog?.. throughout that day.. i didnt really talk to her much even though i had alot of opportunities... daoing her in a way.. i think its cos my pride sorta got in the way.. or mabbe im jus foolishly trying to fool myself into thinking i dont like her or the feeling would disappear.. hais..as much as i like seeing or being ard her... i really hate seeing her in school nowadays.. make me totally lose control of the things i do.. hate it..totally..... always feel very conscious of myself when she's ard...damn it la.. who's she?.. not a god or anything rite?.. haix..forget it.. shan think abt it anymore...
den i was sitting with ryan on the tcher's bench after many many MANY rounds of squash.. won them all weeE!...but im digressing.... we sat at the table and i told him abt my previous crush... he didnt seem surprise.. but i didnt expect him to be... its so like him to be in control of things.. why cant i be??. but at least one problem is solved.. i know i dont like her anymore... one problem to another... when will it all end?...
but for now.. i think i shd get back to studying.. its almost 12mn and i haven gotten started yet... great man terence..jus great!!... physicz notes...here i come!!!...haha =S
2/10/2003 07:56:00 AM
Sunday, February 09, 2003
haha... arsenal 1 newcastle 1... wad can i say... god has eyes!..today feels like a good day already... go school liaoz! ciaOx =)
2/09/2003 02:38:00 PM
feeling damn pissed off now... man u played like a wuss... drawing 1-1 with city... makes me wonder why i even bother supporting them... damn pissed now.. dont think i shd cont....
2/09/2003 06:22:00 AM
quiet sunday afternoon and my whole family's asleep.. been trying to study physics the past hr but nothing seems to be entering my head.. i was writing the oteam evaluation form just now and guess wad... her name appeared again!! haha.. fuck man!.. bittersweet kinda thing... it keeps coming back to haunt me.. when will i ever be free of this kinda thing?... it seems endless.. i want it to stop but i know i actually dont.. hah! another parady in my life...yip kai jus msged me in icq.. asking me abt the physics test.. every1 seems to be busy with their lives doing something productive.. and wad am i doing?.. haha..bitching to u abt my life... wad a bum!..
i've jus gotta stop.. stop letting others control my life... my emotions.. try to be in control for once... but somehow.. the little things she does have magnitudal effects on me.. though as much as i can.. i try to seem oblivious and totally unaffected in front of her.. acting macho of sorts i guess.. how is it that people can be so forecoming with things like this and i have to be the coward??.. and i hate myself for that.. often enough ryan says " woo terence.. very hot eh alot of girls like u eh" and i would bask in those compliments... but what i really am is a coward who does not face his own emotions... and jus immerse myself in my fantasy-world... my 'what ifs'
what if she really likes me?
what if she comes up to me tmlo and say it?
what if she knows i like her?
what if what if what if.....
i think i need to come up with a resolution to this.... to do something abt this feeling i have.. or to convince myself its false ... i cant continue like this anymore.. strange how i want it to be fake... yet silently hoping something could come out of it... is she really the one for me?.. like how many times have this qn come up in my brain ever so often... hmmmx...
when when when.... when did i start thinking i liked her?... during orietation?.. but i didnt have much contact with her... only when class started and i started acting strangely did i notice... but is this feeling becos of wad yuting said?.. i really dont think so... i cant think of even ONE reason why i would like her... and yet i do... fuck! another parady.. guess sometimes in life.. its useless to ask why.. u'll nv get an ans to it... or at least u'll nv know the ans to it... oh wait.. mabbe its jus a crush...
a while ago.. i was talkin to ivan and he said... if u are jealous over this person being with every1 den its a crush.. but if u're jealous cos tt person is particularly close to some1 den its for real... but i dont feel jealous at all.. not when she's with everybody...or any1 in particular!... now wad does tt mean ivan??.. tell me!.. does it mean i dont like her at all?.. or jus tt im god-damn generous and open abt it??..
sometimes i really do hate writing in a blog.. i nv get my qnz answered.. blog's too god-damn stupid to answer anything... hope some love guru out there can give me some advise..
2/09/2003 12:51:00 AM
Saturday, February 08, 2003
sunday morning.. alone at home.. mom's taken my bro to e hospital (broken ankle..tt idiot).. thoughts start to flow...best time for blogging..hehex..
hmm.. flipping thru my file a while ago trying to find those stupid physicz notes to study... DC circuits..magnetism.. capacitors... bAh.. a whole load of crap i dont know...
den i saw her name...
haha.. terence pang the devoting bachelor... my ass.. keep telling pple i'll nv get attached.. when deep inside i actually think itz kinda sweet to have some1 special to accompany u... i admit... i am some1 who's very very afraid.. afraid of loneliness.. den all the more i SHD get attached right?... duno whats wrong with me.. my life is full of parady..guess i juz duno what i really want...
the more i think abt it.. the more i think she's the one... kinda weird eh?... considering i nv saw her in that kinda light b4.. but somehow.. i duno whether to call it coincidence or..haha..FATE!.. nahz.. but our paths alwayz seem to cross.. hahaz.. soundx kinda mushy.. daMn!.. used to be able to talk so freely with her... those were the days when i juz treated her as a fren... or a nemesis... hehex.. but nowdays... i duno why but i feel awkward ard her.. i think tt was how i found out im beginning to feel something... even started giving her the cold shoulder.. im such an idiot!.. but it seems...wheneva she's ard.. my brain stops functioning and my heart takes over... was talking to janny the other day at the mrt...think it was yday..hmmx..anw.. den she was talking abt her relationship with guofeng.. isnt working too well b/w them.. but she still manages to treat him as a fren.. lucky him...
i juz cannot make myself behave normally... it didnt happen with yuting.. and i doubt it will with her too... just hope this feeling will pass if i surpress it long enough.. been neglecting my feelings in this area for way too long.. is it really becos i value my freedom??.. or is it cos i dont have confidence it would work out?.. sounds kinda pessimistic but thats jus the way it is la... and anw...she's so hot and wanted.. hahaz. cant see her liking me... oh wadehell!..hahaz.. nvm nvmx.. it'll die off soon..i hope..
as of NOW... PHYSICZ TEST!!.. 2 more days to go... beta go bury myself in those physics notes.. man u vs man city later!.. city's jus gona get thrashed.. i can feel it in my veins..hahaz.. k.. cya later man!..
2/08/2003 07:22:00 PM
wheEee!! liverpool and middlesbrough 1-1!... ahahaz and man u's playing tmlO! hope they win and arsenal loses! hahaz.. ALL arsenal fans out there... kiss my ass!! glenn.. kiss my ass!!..
haaz.. sometimes the smallest thing can make one happy... or am i juz a child hidden in a 17 yr old body... hehex..
arghx.. so much for seafood dinner..ended up eatin some roadside hawker centre crap.. but guess thatz how life is sometimes.. u dont exactly get wad u expect.. like i didnt expect to start a blog.. not when im in j2 and busy with all sorts of things.. bak to the pt of why i started this blog... been thinking abt it over dinner.. or the pathetic assortment of noodles my parents called a meal... ANYWAY.. yea so i was thinking abt it... and i realised it's actually more den juz a place to de-stress and release tensions w/in me... but also to admit and accept flaws that i have...
it always seem that im trying to paint a pretty picture of myself to others... and hide the obvious flaws that i have.. sometimes it goes to the extent that i dont even want to admit those flaws to myself... like how bastard am i!?... i can remember many times like when pple tell me their problems... i would try to seem sympathetic.. even when i know i dont really give a fuck abt him.. and why??.. cos i want him to have a good impression of me.. and so tt every1 will think im a nice guy... den when everything is over and done with and im having one of those mini reflections.. my emotions will go crazily guilty.... and i think its cos i totally fall short of my expectations of myself... den i'll try to talk to some1..hoping he/she can pull me out of my depression.... or am i juz gaining their sympathy or using my "sharing of personal problems" to get close to them?.. now blog.. u start to realise the problem i have of myself... some problemz are easily solved... but unfortunately this one juz canoot b solved.. cos juz when it seems i make clear to myself that things are in fact not wad i see them to be... i get another wave of guilt-attacks all over again... arh fuck it... and now u will think im thinking too much into things.....
pple say thinkin too much makes life seem tragic.. i say pple who dont think and let life fly by them are tragic...i've seemed quite a few blogs online... reading their contents juz to satisfy my kay-po-ness.. haha.. and many of them dont really seem to have an objective.. the blogs were used more like a way to "chat" with other pple on their msg logger... or juz crap abt daily stuff den to resolve and fully understand their own emotions... while i cant say that is wrong.. cos i have no right to say wadz rite or wrong.. but isnt it a waste of precious time?.. dont u guys have beta things to do with ur lives?!?!... i appreciate the importance of sorta "analysizing" things tt go on in my life and den try to sort out my emotions and reasons for it.. its important tt we understand why we feel the way we do abt certain things... otherwise we may end up going thru life feeling a certain way but not even knowing why... like how dumb is that!!?! but den when u start thinkin abt stuff.. u start getting upset... haha.. see.. its like a dog chasing his own tail.. the problem goes round and round... i hope by the time im thru with this blog business.. i would eventually find a solution to the problems in my life... or at least come to peace with myself... haha.. i sound like a monk..ar mi tuo fu!...
i've been debating whether to start a blog all over again.. i did it once.. a couple of years ago i think.. but it was a diary and it didnt work out cos i was juz too lazy..but this few days i've been reading many blogs.. all wanyuan's fault! =( it all started with testing david's online vulgarity-censoring device on his blog and it led to other blogs from there... oh well.. haha it got me itching to start one myself!! so... HERE IT IS!!!...
at first i felt setting up a blog is quite poser.. it's like u are deliberately trying to let others see ur thoughts... and wad u type in here wouldnt be wad u are really thinking of cos u are aware tt other pple may see ur blog and jugde u... but den again.. im not gona let anyone i know see this...so oh well wadehell...
been feeling kinda emotional the past few days and i do need an avenue to juz release.. i guess wad ivan said was true.. u cant hide behind ur online blog and bitch abt how sad life is..it only makes things worse... but an online blog is useful for jus releasing.. letting all that foul energy juz flow freely outa ur body... like swear as loudly "FUCK!!!" as u like and not affect others...
i guess at LAST i've found jus the thing to help me curb my emotional mood swings.. quite fucked up for a guy to have pms so often but im juz that kinda guy... been talking alot to pple abt emotions and stuff.. to weiying to janny to ivan to glenn to ryan.. and anyone willing to listen.. but strangely not to yuting.. why? why?.. at one moment in time last yr.. think it was during pre-promos when we were studying together.. and we were still close and all.. i would tell her everything i felt.. it was as if i had a personal diary in her.. but haiz. many things have happened since den.. which i dont think i would elaborate.. now.. it jus feels awkward wheneva she talks to me or i try to talk to her... hope things will turn for the beta.. but honestly i dont think that will happen... sometimes i juz feel irritated by the things she do.. and den i'll feel guilty for feeling that way... but i juz cant help it... but the best way now is juz to let things be as they are... im suppose to treasure this frenship (which was once so nice and good) b/w us.. but i dont think i want to cont. it anymore.. im tired.. im too tired already.. somethings cannot be put bak as they were and i guess this is one of those things... juz hope she'll start being happier in class... but tt'z all i can do...
oh shit.. my first entry and im already flooding it with all my pms stuff.. haha.. k k i think i shd let this thing rest... organise my thoughts and den type another entry later or smtg... haha hope this wouldnt be a san1 fen1 zhong1 re4 du4 kinda thing... my enthu for something nv last long.. but wait a min... hopefully i dont need to use this blog as a releasing avenue for my emotions.. so any1 who drops by and see no more new entries will know i've become alot happier!.. *hopefully*
ok! i'll go try to decorate my blog a bit den go for dinner... its seafood today! hehes.. mom's favorite.. but im allergic to most of it.. damn!
2/08/2003 01:43:00 AM
