"...somewhere out there lies a truth to be found.. only where when and by whom..."
where once i believe, now i only pray
Monday, March 31, 2003
it is going to be a very long week ahead.. or mabbe something interesting will pop up along e way.. but from what i see right now.. it's quite unlikely.. im going to weiying's place tomlo.. hope she's feeling beta now.. i quite understand how she feels right now.. feeling lousy abt herself.. that's why i think tomlo will really be good for her.. imagine being confined at home for e whole of tis extended holidays... i wanted to call her up e past few days but i decided not to..cos i dont want wad happened b/w yuting and me to happen again with wy..jenni said she thinks wy is getting too close to me.. last time i would have jus shrugged it off.. but not anymore..once bitten twice shy..
u know what.. i jus have tis lucky feeling right now.. somehow i jus cant wait for sch to reopen.. can some1 tell me why im having tis feeling??.. why why???...
3/31/2003 04:41:00 AM
Sunday, March 30, 2003
i woke up tis morning and i on-ed my fone..den *beep*..haha.. sometimes i wonder whether god is making a fool out of me.. i duno why when im so looking forward to smtg.. it nv fails to disappoint..and den when i least expect something to happen it happens.. that's why now im still feeling cautious abt everything.. i know i told myself i would go for it if she replied.. but now im having second thoughts.. im not sure if im thinking too much into things.. but mabbe i am.. but i think i shd jus take things one step at a time.. sometimes it's better to start off without the end in mind.. den maybe my expectations wouldnt be too great.. and my fall wouldnt be too bad... so for now i wait...
3/30/2003 05:34:00 PM
what's wrong with me.. tis feeling that i have is it boredom or loneliness?.. jus friday i was thinking i was paradise and now i'm back where i started.. haven exactly talked to her since den.. and she's leaving tmlo for a week.. feeling v weak right now.. what exactly am i hoping for.. what exactly do i want?.. i really have no idea....
3/30/2003 07:12:00 AM
Friday, March 28, 2003
i cant believe it.. i really cant believe it!!!.. i told her.. i actually told her!!..i was out with her the whole of today.. cos she wanted me to tch her linear spaces.. hahaha.. didnt know maths could come in so useful..haha.. but yea.. e thing is.. i told her!. well..sort of.. it was those kind of half tell half don't tell kind of thing.. haha.. and now i duno whether to hope she got it or to hope that she thinks im joking.. sighhhxx... but wadeva it is.. it doesnt matter.. hahax.. juz feeling v erm.. ji dong now... grrrrx...
3/28/2003 03:26:00 AM
Thursday, March 27, 2003
have you ever wished some1 could just guide u on ur way in life.. when u are confused and lost.. when u don't know exactly what to do.. why must we be placed in e situation where we have to make our own choices and face the consequences of it?.. making ur own choices and walking ur own parth in life does make life worth living but sometimes dont u just wish for a break from life.. it seems never ending.. not that i want my life to end... i've too many unfinished business to die... i think e day im ready to die would be the day i have nothing more to accomplish in life.. nothing more to experience.. and nothing more to show for... life is such.. that it gives u e chance to fulfill ur aims but it comes at a price.. it comes with sadness.. how i wish adam didnt take e apple.. den all these harms in e world would not be.. and i would be living in a paradise.. but den again.. i wouldnt gaurantee i wont eat e apple myself... haha
3/27/2003 04:27:00 AM
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
hello sars!.. good bye schoOl!!... good bye common test!!... for now at least... just a while ago i was feeling quite confused.. saw charlene at kallang today.. and i duno wad i felt.. i felt something..i know that.. but exactly wad is that feeling.. i just cant put my finger to it... hmm.. ok i shant think abt it too much.. hope i dont see her again.. so i wont have to be in this predicament... and anyway... school's stopping for 10 dayz! going to watch marrying the mafia tmlo!.. hehex.. yayy!...
somehow there's still something bothering me... i think i know wad it is.. but hmmx....
3/26/2003 03:25:00 AM
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
my econs common test turned out to be a disaster but nvmx.. its over.. =).. saw the j1 doing orientation 2 today..suddenly i started missing orientation all over again.. the preparations during the dec hols last yr.. the running of the orientation and everything and everything.. i really really miss it.. esp when i saw the j1 orientation comm doing their discussions.. it is weird how we always appreciate the things that are no longer in our lives... why must things be cruelly taken away from you be4 u truly understand the importance of it?.. im really dying to go through orientation again... it will always have a place in my heart if not my brain.. i really cannot tell u how special everything of orientation is to me.. ivan huang.. the oteamers.. my selffars.. u may think im mad.. carry on.. i dont blame u.. but i really have this v strong feeling for everything in orientation... for now.. for ever...
3/25/2003 05:04:00 AM
Sunday, March 23, 2003
yesterday was a bad day.. wo zhen de hen xiang ku but not in front of my selffars.. i didnt want to be a burden to them.. i didnt want to spoil their fun.. but i really wanted to just collapse.. why is it everytime when im just abt to be a bit happier.. some1 has to come along and spoil it all?.. sometimes i qn myself if im caring too much.. peiyi says im taking things too personally.. but isnt that good?.. isn't being concerned abt everything and every1 around me suppose to be good?..why den am i punished with all these?.. yuting was in one of her erratic moods again.. how i wish i could just fuck care abt it.. but no.. no.. i had to be so affected abt it.. am i feeling guilty?.. she keeps saying its not my fault and she's not blaming me.. den why is she acting and behaving like she is?.. i really wish upon all wishes that i've nv met her as a fren.. and this time i wont apologise for feeling that way.. why must i be responsible for how she feels?.. why am i responsible for everything that happens to her?. is that what friendships are suppose to be? responsibility?.. she keeps saying things and acting in the totally opposite way.. she's a god damn liar.. and i can't take it anymore.. im tired.. im damn tired... what did i do to deserve all this rubbish?.. will this be the last time anything like this will happen?.. no.. of cos not.. she'll always be around to bug me.. like a leech on my skin.. fuck it...
3/23/2003 05:36:00 AM
Friday, March 21, 2003
im very happy today!.. all thanks to kailyn.. had a good talk with her just now.. until i skipped dinner...=).. i seem to always feel happier after such talks.. it makes me feel alot beta.. i cant really explain why... i think it's cos it makes me feel that i've made a difference..in other people's lives and my own.. today i realised something... most of the time things that make me upset are not things that happen around me but things that happen within myself... haven tot of it that way b4... hmmmx....
3/21/2003 06:49:00 AM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
yay! i got a new friend today!.. or at least i got a closer fren which is quite refreshing considering lately how friend-less i've been.. kailyn and lawrence were very funny today... u know sometimes when u are immersed in little senseless things..it's like having a pain in ur finger and dipping it into ice water... the pain goes off but only for that short while..i think what i am looking for is a permanent shelter away from the pain. the loneliness.. and sadness and all those badness that i've come to loathe... i am having this misconception that this shelter is in some1... i think it's within myself... it's all back to perspective... it is quite a hermit way of thinking... but all man are islands... and u are the only one on ur island.. sometimes i want to dip myself into that ice water and go thru life numb... unfeeling to all the happiness and sadness.. loneliness and wad not...i drag my feet and move on.....
3/19/2003 04:57:00 AM
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
today is a perfect example of a passerby in my life... a perfect stranger who came into my life and left... my new tutor came... taught his stuff.. and i sacked him.. cos he was really bad really lousy... how many people are like him?.. come and leave just like that without leaving an impression on the people around him... i feel sad for him... but i dont want to be like him... i want to make a difference.. I WANT TO BE THE DIFFERENCE....i remember what ben koh said during orientation to one of my selffars... people say it's not possible to be close to your orientation mates.. but it is.. if u call up one person every night.. people think it's impossible but it really isn't.. it's whether u choose to make it impossible for yourself.. that's all..
3/18/2003 07:01:00 AM
Monday, March 17, 2003
i scream for help... but nothing comes out.. all they see is a bubbly terence they think is happy.. but sadly they don't know what lies under... it's an ugly picture i refuse to admit to most of the time.. im ugly.. im nothing u think i am.. i scream for help.. but its a voiceless cry.. no one understands what i stand for.. no one is willing to lend a helping hand... im alone.. im without a friend... i don't see any of this world as pretty.. i scream i scream... why is it all turning out to be like this...all of a sudden it has nothign to do with happiness... it's loneliness.. i have no one.. and i just realised it.. those hypocrites say they'll be there for me.. but do they know a thing?.. they know nothing... save it bitch u make me sick... what an apt song on winamp now... everything seems to be clicking into place... all of a sudden all of a sudden.. its too coincidental.... am i going through a rough patch?.. i grope around.. i hope i find you... i hope i find you....
3/17/2003 06:07:00 AM
my heart has this suan liu liu de gan jue.. it's longing for something.. or rather.. for some1 to be in it... it's not love im talking abt here... it's a companion.. regardless of gender.. a soulmate.. some1 once told me that god made humans in pairs.. it's just finding the right person... lately ive been feeling very lonely.. no one seems to be able to walk me thru my life every step of the way.. ya mabbe he can accompany me for a while.. a long while at best.. but he is never there forever... why am i so obsessed with forever... im tired of always having to look out for myself.. examz are around the corner and maybe that's making me feel lonely...as i think back on my life.. there hasnt seem to be a time when im not lonely.. i'm always looking around. and all i see is my shadow.. where are u... where are u my soulmate... i've been searching so so very long.. stop hiding... let me find you... let you find me.... in this sea of people... all i see are faces.. strangers.. but there's nv a person stretching his hand out for me.. no hand to grab.. im a hermit.. im alone... im a weakling... but aint all humans... i need u... pls stop hiding... pls pls..
3/17/2003 05:54:00 AM
Saturday, March 15, 2003
i've never been so stressed out in my life! the feeling of being helpless.. the feeling of knowing you must do something but not knowing what it is.. those feelings i've now... i keep telling myself studies shdnt be a reason for me to be upset or disturbed by bcos its a problem every1 goes thru.. but i just cant let it be void.. if emotions can be so easily controlled den it wouldnt be called emotions.. i was chiding weiying for being so caught up in her studies.. and now im also lidat... den yday i got a tutor.. and it made me feel that must better... i think i know why i hate exams and studies.. it's becos it makes u feel lonely.. it's like you vs the exam.. one on one.. i think im a coward.. im scared of loneliness.. but all man are... even those who are loners.. it feels alot better to have some1 to share your problems with.. i hope common test would just come and go.. honestly i dont really care what i get for the CT.. it's just its presence that is making me feel so edgy.. so i guess i'll get better... haiz.. going back to study liaoz... drats...
3/15/2003 06:14:00 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
my icq still cant work.. and im feeling very bored cos of that... i think im finding blogging a chore now.. and i dont quite understand why... is it cos i have nothing worth telling nemore?.. it seems as if im blogging only for the sake of it... and im feeling sad... it's a bit like...losing a friend... how we were once close and i used to always tell u stuff... come online and type out my emotions to u... and now im only doing it for the routinity of it.. u remind of yuting... shan talk abt her...
u know wad... actually i think its cos i haven been going out much and i've been too caught up by my sickness to have much to tell u abt.. thats all.. =)... so dont worry man.. won't dump u too soon..but even if i do one day... it's only cos im problem-free and have cruelly no need for you... but dont despair.. i'll always have a place for u in my memory... that's my promise to you...
3/12/2003 06:01:00 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
yay!.. feeling much much better today!.. haha.. mabbe i shd change the name of my blog to the white bible.. fancy me being happy even when im sick and my bdae was ruined yday.. i once asked myself what is real happiness... and i once thought real happiness does not exist cos wad we feel is happiness is actually an absence from sadness.. but now... i think i get it... i think i really do....
happiness.... is kinda of perspective... it is what u perceive it to be.. its objective.. u can be happily sick or sadly healthy...but sometimes things in life makes it hard for u to choose to be happy.. its hard to stay happy when some1 close decides to leave you.. or when u fail at something.. or when u aint getting what u want... but its not to say u can't be happy if u choose to.. i think my obsession with being happy is from the lack of it.. i want it.. i need it.. it may seem idealistic that we can always be happy if we so choose.. but thats the fact... not fakely happy.. but genuinely. alot of things in life is based on ur own perspective.. i've learnt not to trust what others say but take a walk into my own life and experience them first hand.. i've learnt that most of the time people fall into the trap of conforming to norms.. why is it we must cry when people die?... cant we laugh?.. cant we jus move on?.. is it that hard?.. i was writing a gp essay jus the other day on conformity.. i wrote rubbish.. i wrote stuff even i didnt believe in.. what..er..."semi conformity is best".. lies just to get marks...
i had been thinking abt this for a while now... what if... 2 new borns are placed in this undisturbed place away from outside influence and let to live... somewad like eden's garden.. if their emotions are not affected by outside influence and they were nv taught to be happy and thus not taught to be sad too... what would their feelings be?.. are humans borned to be happy... or sad?. is life a gift or a burden...
3/11/2003 04:38:00 PM
wad a way to spend my bdae.... sick at home..but at least quite a lot of pple bothered to remember my bdae.. =).. so ttz something to smile at... i went to mt eliz for a doc's appointment with doctor cheung this morning.. wont be going to school tomorrow either... so i'll be giving gp common test a miss... my eyes are squirted... i cant think straight.. i'll talk to u tomorrow.. abt my selffars... i think im starting to drift away from them... haiz.... really hope its only becos of my illness this few days... talk to u tmlo... =(
3/11/2003 06:03:00 AM
Sunday, March 09, 2003
the past 2 days has been totally crap.. im falling sick all over again.. i duno why.. think there's some virus in the air...my throat has pus.. my eyez are pain.. and i think i have a fever..and tomorrow's my bdae.. i dont really expect much from it now.. so many thing'x are happening.. my brother's in the hospital.. i think he's coming out tday.. my frens are all sick too..and common test is coming.. GP's on wednesday.. sometimes i feel its unfair.. how i can always take the initiative to make other pple's bdae so nice and fun.. but no one bothers abt mine.. i feel jealous.. i.. i duno wad to feel... somehow i actually feel like not going to school tmlo.. i dont want to behave like a retard.. waiting and waiting for surprises to come when i know there actually wont be any.. i think this is how u will feel when u are forgotten... but at least i come prepared.. i wont have the disappointed face when nothing happens tmlo.. i think that's kinda the reason why i dont want people to know my birth date.. so that i would not be forgotten... terence... the escapist..
3/09/2003 05:34:00 PM
Friday, March 07, 2003
damnit man.. my icq jus cant stand up.. and even the icq application is not working...damn la!.. feels as if some1 is cursing me....
3/07/2003 05:01:00 PM
some1 sent me a hate sms today.. said some really horrible things which included stuff abt my parents... tt fucker... if i ever find out who he is.. and if he ain't joking.. i'll kill him.. i'll kill him... im not bothered abt wad i did wrong now.. i juz fucking want to kill him....
3/07/2003 08:30:00 AM
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
i imagine seeing the world for one last time.. taking my very last breath... experience life as it is for one last moment... what would i think of.. wad would i do?.. i see angels coming.. they seem oblivious of my plight... they have come to take me away... people are crying.. they feel my pain.. they feel my unwillingness.. but they are helpless... i struggle.. i fight.. but in vain...
i write my thoughts onto a piece of paper but nothing comes out.. i dont know where to start...there are too many things i am not able to let go of... i want to leave a legacy.. i want people to forever remember me.. i dont want to disappear... my friends.. my family.. my memories... i fear that one day after i leave.. everything that i've worked for my entire life would disintegrate..
is there life after death?.. is there reincarnation?.. do i reap my karma?.. what would i be after i die?.. somehow.. i have this conviction that i would be trapped in this space-like void... there is null after death.. there is null...
so while i live.. i choose my life...
the path i take and the frens i make...
through all the ups and downs..
its really the end that counts..
step by step i walk to my grave...
leaving prints behind with the steps i take...
imprints in hearts of those i meet...
'o that will be my saving grace...
3/05/2003 08:28:00 AM
harry called.. im playing salim tomorrow in a selection match for the school team.. my heart feels a bit excited.. it has been a while since i last went into something lidat.. a yr ago actually.. when i had to play harry lucas tian loon.. i feel i shdnt be in the team.. i haven exactly been going down for training.. but i want to be.. i think i really do.. if not why am i feeling a bit edgy right now?.. but a small part of me don't want to make the team... i dont want to go down to kallang during the tournament.. i dont want to have to see charlene... i haven seen her since.... hmm... beginning of last yr... today i was at the welfare room bumming around waiting for my mum to come.. den i saw this ny girl talking to huifen... and oh my god.. for a moment i tot it was her... i swear it really was... the way she stood.. the way she carried her bag and everything and everything..
every1 has a past.. and i think mine is especially colorful.. everything seems to jus happen to me.. and now i seem to be always running away from it... i was very very irresponsible last time.. and now i dont have the guts to face it... im ashamed of myself.. and i ought to be... when we went to celebrate glenn's bdae on friday.. we wanted to go to swensen's at orchard and i met yanqi... and i ran away.. quite typical of me.. but i guess i jus do not have the guts to face up to my past... but how long can i keep running?.. how long can i continue?...
3/05/2003 02:32:00 AM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
i had something which i wanted to tell you today.. but i cant quite recall wad it is...i know it has something to do with wad i was talking to toe today on our bus ride home... i ended sch at 350pm after P.E. with shah.. he is a freaking loser!.. it was a totally crappy P.E. but i'll let it pass.. den i went back to council room to stone and den i met toe.. she suggested we go library to study and we did till..er... 6... den on our way home.. we started talking abt her and yb.. and me and yt.. den i realise every1 does face problems in our lives... it is not v realistic to think otherwise... OH!.. i was telling her she shd be happy that she and yb once enjoyed something so special and not feel sad that wad they once had is now jus a memory... it somehow reminded me of one of my entries here...
2/15/2003 12:42:06 AM
"ivan has touched my life in a special way.. and i shd be happy that he did..and not upset that he will nv again come tuesday.. i will not cry on tuesday.. i give u my word for it.. not a tear.."
den she told me.. "i cannot believe in that now"
it made me realise that for all the reasons and comforting friends can offer... it is only thru time that wounds are healed.. and even then.. there will be a scar to mark its existence forever... i think wad she said made me realise all over again that im letting idealism cloud my beliefs...
Monday, March 03, 2003
i quarrelled with yuting today... and im feeling very lousy abt it.. but sadly its more bcos i think im in the wrong den becos its causing our relationship to deteriorate... i really dont give a fuck abt our friendship anymore... sorry but i dont care anymore... yuting's expectations of me as her gd fren is jus crushing me.. i cant take it anymore.. and it makes it worse tt she's always trying.. sometimes i feel sad for her.. i want to go out and tell her.. "forget it".. but i cant bear to.. she'll jus crumble.. i know that.. but im crumbling under the weight of all her expectations..
ok.. the reason behind us quarreling today was becos according to her.. i dont tell her our og stuff like their individual problems during the bbq nite.. us leaving her there after poolin.. and more recently bcos i didnt tell her abt peiyi and lijia... it looks as if its my fault that i shd tell her cos she's my co-sharaeh.. but helooOo.. it is not her RIGHT to know..and it is not a MUST for me to tell.. if i dont wana tell.. she has utterly NO reason to get angry!.. i really think she went overboard today.. i still do.. but haix.. its always my fault.. fuck the guy.. the girl's right... yea yea.. its always lidat.. why is it getting so predictable nowadays?.. so i say my sorry.. and everything goes back to normal again.. sometimes im tired of saying sorry.. why cant i say fuck off?... i was talking to janny throughout maths S today abt this thing.. she seems to be the only one who understands how i feel.. but even she thinks yuting has the right to be angry.. but dont u get it?.. im deliberately not telling her BCOS i dont think im obligated to...im NOT... and if she so wants to know.. ask weiying or smtg.. or be closer to the og instead of always running away back to her hostel in the middle of each and every og outing.. yea its not her fault right?.. gate closes at 10 or something.. have a curfew to keep.. well am I to blame?!?!... nowadays with yuting.. all i ever think abt is " AM I TO BLAME??"... i think abt it.. and every damn thing is not my fault.. im feeling damn pissed off now.. damn damn damn pissed off now... i'll go chill...hope i'll feel beta later or smtg....
3/03/2003 05:22:00 AM
Saturday, March 01, 2003
ever wondered what exactly IS the pinnacle of losers??.. go watch my sassy girl. the male lead is a very good example.. i was thinking about ivan a bit today.. i guess im starting to miss him.. he once said that his dream girl was in My Sassy Girl... so i went to kazaa and downloaded it to watch... at first i felt it was a totally ridiculous show and the girl was an uncouth brat..but later as the show continued i started to see ivan's pt.. the girl had this..aura abt her which makes me want to hate her and love her at the same time... somehow i saw the resemblance of her in her....haha.. it's getting confusing in here but i guess u know what i mean... i was talking to weiying yday at KFC and i was surprised i told her abt how i felt abt her.. of cosh i didnt say i liked her or anything.. i said there was something missing.. and now i think abt it.. i guess i was speaking the truth... i jus cant put my finger to it.. wad exactly is lacking... i try and i try... but i jus cant find it.. mabbe its jux becos i dont want it to happen and im giving excuses.... or mabbe i jus dont dare... but wadeva the case... its not going to happen and we know it... toe was saying the other day at the chalet tat girls dont NEED guys.. well well.. guys dont really need girls too.. come to think abt it.. i was alot better of when i had the naive vision that guys and girls are all the same.. i think chermain is starting to realise wad i finally understood at the beginnin of this yr... tt NO.. guys do NOT equal girls.. there are D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-C-E-S!.. haha.. sound like some spastic kindergarten teacher...
but all said and done... i think this is my favorite entry so far in all my blog life.. haha.. i re-read it and i saw genuine =) in wad i wrote.. haha.. soundx quite freakish to analyse ur own blog entry but ai yAhx.. i just like this entry the most!.. hehehs....
3/01/2003 04:14:00 AM
