Wednesday, November 10, 2004
i had a horrible dream.. it felt so empty yet so real.. yet i was so calm.. i duno why... e moment i woke up i still had some lingering feelings.. was it real? dreams r so extreme.. who creates them? many pple say its the subconscious mind of the dreamer himself but i much rather like to attribute it to the dream weaver.. sounds more romantic tt way.. a person responsible for all the dreams in this world... delivering them like postcards to everyone of us... sometimes to remind us of the past..sometimes to tell us wad e future beckons or mabbe to teach us smtg.. but always for a reason...
Monday, November 08, 2004
8th nov 2337
im at home but it feels like im in camp.. some stupid throat infection has spread to my stomach.. feels quite shittie but i cant tell any1... not my mom cos silly billy she will jus keep worrying.. and i guess my whole platoon thinks im faking it.. greatx!
"feeling v bad now.. my stomach is giving me problems again.. i wish for some1 to say a simple "r u ok?" but one thing i realise.. i can want and hope but i can nv expect... not even from u.. i vomited again today.. sucky to be alone at times like this..if my invincibility was true tis will nv happen but im too idealistic"
4th nov 2130
im in my bunk feeling hopelessly alone.. my buddy is doing duty so tt means i'll be sleeping alone tonight..
"smtimes i wonder if she's saving me from army or is army saving me from her.. but everything is my choice.. everything is self inflicted"
"tell me this feeling i'm having is not jealousy cos it's not.. am i disgrunted? is my feelings unreturned? i'll always watch over u but i'll nv be able to fully share yr life n yr tots e same way tt i'll nv burden u w mine now.. i choose to take a step back physically to allow u liberty to leave but i'll stay steadfast"
nv thought tt i wld come back here again... do i feel i need my own quiet space or is this jus a petty response? does coming back to this blog mean tt my life is back to it's saddest worse again? i hope not.. i think not.. at first i didnt want to come back.. why resort back to this when i shd have a living blog in u? does tis mean i can no longer open to u as entirely as i once cld? i duno.. but i guess so.. why else wld i suddenly turn to every1.. begging them for a moment of their time.. i fear im an attention animal.. haha.. toh han.. i hope im not scaring u.. n i really think u are genuinely nice and everything.. maybe kailyn n ivan too la hor.. but nice is jus nice u know.. said it before... nice is jus like handsome or pretty..
